


Hotspring Souls!

by CalSantiago



Series: Soulsborne Modern AU [1]
Category: Bloodborne (Video Game), Dark Souls (Video Games), Dark Souls II, Demon's Souls
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Comedy, Crossover, F/M, Fourth Wall, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Hotspring Episode, Other, Romantic Comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-19
Updated: 2015-09-23
Packaged: 2018-04-21 11:54:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 25,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4828178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CalSantiago/pseuds/CalSantiago
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Hunter and the Plain Doll have just won vouchers for a weekend getaway at an inn/hotspring in the countryside. Artorias the Abysswalker and Lord's Blade Ciaran tag along. So does Solaire. So do a bunch of other people. Shenanigans ensue!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Invitations, Preparations

**Author's Note:**

> A weird, fun comedy story starring various characters from the Soulsborne franchise. Inspired mostly by the "Hotsprings Episode" trope, specifically the hotspring chapter from Persona 3 and Gurren Lagann. Also has a lot of references to PlagueOfGripes' "Dark Souls: In Summary" animation.

"Evetta, aren't you packing way too many clothes? We'll only be away for the weekend."

The Doll looked at the Hunter, then back to her own overflowing suitcase. He was right; she did pack too much. But this was their first trip together and the Doll was more than a little excited.

"It doesn't hurt to be prepared, Good Hunter," the Doll said with a smile. "I've never been to an... 'on-sehn' before, so I wasn't quite sure what to bring."

"Well, maybe we should just bring an extra duffel bag," the Hunter said, rubbing his chin. "That sounds about right. I'm sure the others will be looking for souvenirs when we return, anyway."

"You know, the lady on the phone said the vouchers are good for up to ten people," the Doll said as she continued to put clothes inside her suitcase. "Are you sure you don't want to—"

"We are NOT inviting Gehrman, honey," the Hunter said, grimacing. "Or Eileen. Or Djura."

"But the extra vouchers seem like a waste if it's only the two of us..." the Doll said.

"It's not that I don't want to invite other people along," the Hunter explained, "It's just that... It's kinda awkward when you have three eccentric senior citizens on vacation with you... Kinda hard to get romantic, you know?" He gave the Doll a kiss on the cheek.

"Oh, Good Hunter..." the Doll said, blushing. She still hadn't gotten used to the sensation even though it had been a while since she became human.

It was Friday evening at the Hunter and Plain Doll's apartment. Earlier that week, the Hunter brought home some raffle tickets he got at the mall, thinking they were just junk. The Doll got a hold of them, and to the couple's surprise, found out that they had won vouchers for an all-expenses paid trip to an inn and hotspring in the countryside. The Hunter was suspicious at first, but upon calling the raffle company as well as the inn, and finding out they were both legitimate, decided to embrace this stroke of good luck with open arms. And so the two spent the evening packing and getting things ready. The Hunter double-checked his belongings, making sure he didn't forget anything.

"Hmm, where did I put my camera...?" he said, looking around.

"I believe you lent it to Knight Artorias, Good Hunter," the Doll said.

"Ah, that's right," the Hunter said. "Arty must've forgotten to return it... As usual. Well, I should go get it back now. Be right back." He opened the door and exited into the hallway, walking a few steps until he found himself outside Artorias and Ciaran's apartment door.

"Arty? Arty, it's me, Hunter," he said, knocking three times. "You guys home?"

"Oh hey, what's up?" Artorias the Abysswalker said as he opened the door. "Ciaran and I were just about to walk Sif. Need anything?"

"Yeah, I came to get my camera," the Hunter said. "You kinda forgot to return it again and Evetta and I need it for tomorrow."

"Whoops! Sorry about that. I really should write down reminders..." Artorias lead the Hunter to the living room, where his camera was on the coffee table. "So, what dost thou need the camera for?"

"Oh, didn't I tell you?" the Hunter said as he picked the camera up. "We won some weird raffle thing and Evetta and I are going to an inn-slash-hotspring for the weekend. All expenses paid!"

"Whoa! Thou art lucky indeed!" Artorias said with a long whistle.

"What's this about an all-expenses paid trip?"

Artorias and the Hunter turned around to see Lord's Blade Ciaran with Sif on a leash. The Hunter told her about the raffle tickets as well, and how he and the Doll were leaving for the hotspring in the morning.

"Quite a stroke of good luck, isn't it?" the Hunter said with a big grin.

"Sure is," Ciaran nodded, then turned to Artorias, giving him a teasing look. "When was the last time YOU brought me on a trip to a hotspring? Maybe you should start bringing home raffle tickets as well."

"Thou knowest I dislike bringing home junk, Ciaran..." Artorias said with a chuckle.

"Still, awfully lucky of you two. Congrats!" Ciaran said. "Well, Arty and I need to get going. Sif has been itching for a walk all afternoon, so."

"Yeah, sure, I was just about to head back, anyway," the Hunter said as he turned to leave. 

Just as he was about to exit into the hallway, the Hunter stopped. An idea struck him, and he turned around to face Artorias and Ciaran again.

"You know... The vouchers we won are actually good for more than just two people," he said, grinning. "Wanna come with?"

"F-for real?" Artorias said, the excitement in his voice making him sound even younger.

"You sure you're allowed to do that, Hunter?" Ciaran asked.

"Yeah, absolutely!" the Hunter said. "The prize is 'an all-expenses paid weekend getaway at a hotspring', but Evetta and I got a lot of extra vouchers and we didn't really know what to do with them. You guys should come along! It'll be fun! And besides..."

"I'd rather have you two come along instead of Gehrman and the oldies..." The Hunter added in a sly, exaggerated whisper.

"Can we go, Ciaran, please, please, pleeeeeeeeease?" Artorias begged his girlfriend like a child asking for candy. "We don't have any plans for the weekend, anyway!"

"I... I'd like to, but..." Ciaran said and looked at Sif, who was impatiently wagging his tail, wondering why his owners were taking so long to walk him. "What about Sif?"

"Let's bring him along!" Artorias said enthusiastically. "We can do that, right, Hunter?"

"Er, well..." the Hunter scratched the back of his head with his hand. "I dunno about that, but... There's bound to be a place where pets can stay, right?"

"All right, fine..." Ciaran said, "It's been a while since we've had a vacation, anyway."

And so it was decided. Artorias and Ciaran (and Sif) would be joining the Hunter and the Doll on their trip. Artorias asked if he could invite other people as well; the Hunter said it was fine as long as their party didn't exceed ten. He also said NOT to invite Patches under ANY circumstances whatsoever. After returning from their walk, the Abysswalker and the Lord's Blade went over to the Hunter and Doll's apartment. Artorias volunteered to call up people and ask if they wanted to come, while the Hunter and Doll helped Ciaran pack.

As Artorias made the calls, however, he found out that not everyone was available or interested. Ornstein was busy with work. Hawkeye Gough and his brother the Giant Blacksmith had to attend a family gathering that weekend. Siegmeyer was going to Sieglinde's violin recital. Gwyndolin was staying at home to study. Gwynevere was still depressed over her recent breakup with Seath. Sir Alonne had kendo lessons to teach. Lucatiel of Mirrah was going to a self-esteem conference. Straid, Navlaan, Logan, Laurentius, Quelana and Rosabeth had their own plans and were going bowling.

But Solaire of Astora, the Chosen Undead, Rhea of Thorolund, the Bearer of the Curse, the Emerald Herald, the Slayer of Demons and the Maiden in Black were all available and more than happy to tag along. Thank the gods for those extra vouchers! Or so Artorias thought...

"But that makes eleven people total," Ciaran reminded Artorias. "The vouchers are only good for ten!"

"Really?" Artorias said, and began counting with his fingers. "Five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven... Uh-oh!"

"We cannot take back the invitations we already made," the Doll said. "That would just be cruel."

"Well..." the Hunter rubbed his chin in thought, "The Maiden in Black has demon powers. Maybe she can turn herself invisible and nobody would suspect a thing?"

"That... doesn't sound like a very solid plan to me," Ciaran said.

The four were stumped. After a while, they considered having to un-invite someone after all... But just as Artorias was about to pick up the phone again, there was a knock on the door. Wondering who could possibly be visiting at this hour, the Hunter stood up to open it.

"Hello there! Terribly sorry for intruding this late, but I was just so excited! I can't wait to engage in jolly cooperation with you all!"

Solaire was standing in the doorway, already carrying two suitcases and a backpack with him. How he managed to pack everything and make his way to their apartment in less than an hour, the Hunter had no clue. Nevertheless, he told Solaire to come in. The jolly knight obliged, but noticed that the others seemed to have worried looks on their faces. The Hunter was hesitant at first, but eventually told Solaire that they had accidentally invited one person too many and were considering the option of having to un-invite somebody. Rather than be upset, however, Solaire simply smiled and offered a suggestion.

"Why, I'm perfectly fine with paying for my stay if the situation calls for it!" Solaire beamed, optimistic as ever.

"A-are you sure?" the Hunter asked reluctantly. "I mean, we invited you and you're supposed to be our guest. It doesn't seem fair to make you pay for your stay because of our mistake!"

"Oh, nonsense!" the bucket-headed knight said. "Really, as long as I get to be with all of you, I am happy! Oh, it's been so long since I've been on a trip with so many of my friends! Why, just the thought alone fills me with so much excitement I feel as if I could become grossly incandescent at any moment! And besides... I have way too many Sunlight Medals lying around. I'm sure they could be useful for something!"

Without warning, Solaire suddenly stood up on the table and began praising the sun... despite the fact that it was almost midnight. Still, his optimism and enthusiasm were infectious and soon everyone in the room was in high spirits again! Now that there appeared to be no more problems, the group resumed making preparations for their trip. This weekend was going to be a blast, they could already tell.

...

The next morning, the vacationers all met outside the Hunter, Doll, Artorias and Ciaran's apartment building. The Bearer of the Curse and Shanalotte the Emerald Herald had volunteered to drive the group to the hotspring and arrived first in their huge, bright green mini-bus. The Slayer of Demons and the Maiden in Black followed shortly after, while the Chosen Undead and Rhea of Thorolund were the last to arrive. The Hunter looked at the size of the group (including the pets Sif and Shalquoir) and wondered if they could all seriously fit inside the vehicle.

"Oh, don't fret, dear boy!" Solaire patted the Hunter on the shoulder. "Sure, it may be a little crowded inside, but that just means we'll be all the more closer!"

"We can play road trip games, too! Like 'I Spy'!" the Slayer of Demons suggested.

"Um, I am not very good at that game," the Maiden in Black said, then pointed at the wax over her eyes.

"Not to worry, dear," the Slayer of Demons reassured her, "I got this scroll from Sage Freke. It'll give you flawless 20/20 vision for 72 hours!"

"Just don't sing 99 Bottles Of Beer On The Wall or anything," Ciaran said. "Or worse, play Nickelback songs and then sing along. For the love of the gods, PLEASE. I remember the last time we went on a road trip and Gough would just... NOT. STOP. SINGING." Artorias snickered as he watched Ciaran shudder at the memory. He had been singing along with Gough back then.

"So... How long will it take to get there, anyway?" the Chosen Undead asked.

"According to this, two to three hours," the Doll answered, pulling out a brochure of the inn from her shoulder bag. The others immediately tried to grab it from her and have a peek at just what this place they were going to looked liked.

"Ooh, sweet, they have a sushi bar!" Shalquoir said. "I know where I'll be staying!"

"And a souvenir store!" the Bearer of the Curse added. "I wonder if they have Green Tea Kit-Kats there..."

"But the food is always overpriced at souvenir stores..." Shanalotte rolled her eyes.

"But, but, Green Tea Kit-Kats!" the Bearer of the Curse said again.

"T-they have a rock garden for meditation and prayer as well..." Rhea said. "How lovely..."

"Heavens, this place just looks divine!" Solaire said. "Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go already! Tally hooooooooo!"

Solaire's enthusiasm was all it took for the group to finally get on the mini-bus and get going. As the Hunter predicted, it was cramped and crowded inside, but luckily the situation was still somewhat bearable. Sif had occupied the entire back row of seats. On the left side of the row before him was a large cooler and a few bags of chips. Shalquoir managed to squeeze herself in the overhead luggage compartment. The Doll had to lean back slightly in her seat due to her height. Artorias, who was the tallest in the group, sat near the front where there was no overhead compartment, directly behind the Bearer of the Curse and Shanalotte. He suggested that all the girls sit on the guys' laps so that "there would be more space".

"Subtle, Artorias. Real subtle," Ciaran said playfully as she obliged her boyfriend.

"Everybody here is a couple, anyway," Artorias said with a sheepish grin. "So it shouldn't be a problem!"

"Hehe, almost everybody," the Slayer of Demons whispered slyly, then glanced over at the Chosen Undead and Rhea, who were seated one row before Sif.

"Ooh, they're still dancing around the matter, are they?" Solaire said. "Well, that won't do. It's been so long already! I have an idea... This trip seems like the perfect opportunity for those two to finally... 'upgrade' their relationship!"

"You planning on playing matchmaker, Solaire?" the Slayer of Demons asked. "Then, I'm in!"

"Splendid!" Solaire said, giving the Slayer of Demons a high-five. He then turned around to face everybody else, whipping out some Van Halen mixtapes and CDs from his backpack. "Now, who's in the mood for some tunes?"

It wasn't long before the speakers started blaring and Solaire started singing along. Nobody minded, though. It was Solaire, after all! Just having him around was enough to put everybody in a good mood. The mini-bus made its way through the countryside, passing by scenic rivers and rice fields. That was certainly a sight one wouldn't normally see in Boletaria, Lordran, Drangleic, or Yharnam...

"This is amazing!" the Hunter said as he took photos every ten seconds. "I didn't even know we HAD these here! Evetta, look! There's even a bunch of deer on the side of the road!"

"It's almost as if we were ambiguously living in Japan," Ciaran remarked in a deadpan way.

"Sooooo, how are you two finding the view?" Solaire asked Rhea and the Chosen Undead, making his way to the back of the vehicle. "Glorious, isn't it?"

"It's prettier than the view at the Undead Burg, that's for sure," the Chosen Undead said.

"Say, why don't I take a picture of you two against this marvelous scenery?" Solaire suggested, whipping out a camera. "Come on, don't be shy!"

"Th-thank you for the offer," Rhea said, twiddling her fingers and blushing. "But you really don't have to--"

"Say CHEESE!!!" Solaire cut her off with a flash of his camera. "Oh, don't you two just look adorable?" The Chosen Undead and Rhea didn't say anything, as they were too busy rubbing their eyes and trying to get rid of the blinking stars.

"All right, everybody!" Shanalotte called out from the front seat as she read from a map, "We're going to make a quick rest stop at the gas station. But we're making good time. At this rate, we'll arrive at the inn within an hour and a half."

"Just in time for lunch, then!" Artorias said happily. "Wonder if they have steak..." Sif immediately woke up and started barking upon hearing the word, "steak".

Not long after, the group arrived at the gas station. As they stepped down from the mini-bus, the Hunter noticed that the Doll had a slightly worried look on her face.

"Everything OK, honey?" the Hunter asked.

"Yes, I think so," the Doll replied. "It's just that... I feel as though I've forgotten something, Good Hunter..."

"But we double-checked everything earlier this morning," the Hunter reassured her. "What did you forget?"

...

"They left us... They bloody left without us!"

Standing outside the Hunter and Doll's apartment building were three senior citizens. One of them was in a wheelchair; another wore a crow mask and a large, black hat; and the third was sitting on the shoulders of a Cathedral Giant with a straw hat and sunglasses.

"Hmph, those whippersnappers," Eileen the Crow muttered. "Ah well, I didn't want to go to a hotspring, anyway."

"Aww, but Djura Jr. here was awfully excited for this trip!" Djura said in a disappointed tone as a small, monkey-like Beast covered in bandages emerged from his bag. "There, there, JoorJoor... Oh well..."

"Oh well, my arse!" Gehrman said. "Why, I haven't had a proper vacation in years! Decades, even! DECADES! The one time the Moon Presence gives me the weekend off, and those young'uns run off without us? Unacceptable, I tell you! UNACCEPTABLE!!!"

"Well, what are you going to do about it?" Eileen asked in an almost bored manner. "They're long gone by now."

"Heh, it's a good thing I stuck a tracking device on the Hunter's hat!" Gehrman snickered as he pulled out a GPS from under his wheelchair.

"You stuck a tracking device," Eileen said in disbelief, "On the Hunter's hat... Huh. I'm surprised you even know how to work that thing, seeing as you had trouble with the webcam..."

"Ha...! They're not too far ahead!" Gehrman smiled as he looked at the GPS. "Djura! How fast can that Cathedral Giant of yours run?"

"His name is Poochie!" Djura corrected the older hunter. "And he can run quite fast, let me tell you that!"

"Good!" Gehrman stood up from his wheelchair and slung his bag over his shoulder. "Eileen! Get your bags ready! We're going to the hotspring on this giant!"

"Are you MAD?" Eileen snapped. "I am NOT going to— H-hey, wait! Put me down!!!"

Too late. All three elderly hunters were now seated on the Cathedral Giant's shoulders. Djura gave the other two a rope to hold on to, and soon the giant began sprinting across the city like a Titan rampaging through Zhiganshina.

"If there's one thing these youngsters should NEVER deny a senior citizen..." Gehrman yelled at the top of his lungs as the giant ran, "IT'S A WELL. DESERVED. VACATION!!! TO THE HOTSPRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGS!!!"

"Gehrman, I swear, when we get down... I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU!!!" Eileen yelled as she hung on for dear life.

And so, the three eldery hunters, JoorJoor the monkey Beast, and the Cathedral Giant began their pursuit of the bright green mini-bus.

This weekend was going to be a blast, indeed...


	2. Revenge of the Elderly

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Hunter, Doll, and their friends have just arrived at the inn/hotspring and are making themselves at home. While there, they run into some familiar faces...

"Irasshaimasei! Welcome to our onsen!"

A middle-aged woman dressed in a red kimono gave a flourishing bow to the eleven guests (and two pets) who had just arrived.

"I am Amagi-san, and I will be your hostess for the weekend," she said. "Please, do make yourselves at home."

The Hunter, the Doll, and their friends were awestruck. They were in a traditional inn and hotspring in the remote countryside and were going to spend the weekend there. The Doll looked at her brochure again, and realized the small scrap of paper did the actual place no justice. It was even more beautiful and much, much larger than what the pictures showed! The inn's main attraction was the large hotspring of course, but it also had other facilities such as a rock garden, a koi pond, a dining hall, a sushi bar, a regular bar, a karaoke room, a game room, a bingo hall and a souvenir store. The Hunter couldn't believe how lucky he was to have won that raffle...

"Good Hunter, this place is gorgeous," the Doll said as she gave the Hunter a hug and a kiss on the forehead. "Thank you for bringing me here."

"Maybe I should bring home raffle tickets more often, hehehe..." he said, grinning.

"WHOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAA," Artorias said as he looked around. "This place... is amazing!" He looked at every single corner of the reception area: the polished wooden pillars, the potted bamboo plants, the incense on the counter, the gleaming wooden floor... Sif repeatedly rubbed his paw against the floor as well, amused and entertained by how smooth it was.

"Look, there's the souvenir store right there!" the Bearer of the Curse excitedly pointed to the far end of the room. "C'mon, let's see if they have Green Tea Kit-Kats!"

"Can we go there later, dear?" Shanalotte said with a groan. "It's been a long trip and I kind of want to take a nap first..."

"But, you weren't the one driving..." the Bearer of the Curse sighed.

"I was reading the map. My eyes are exhausted," the Emerald Herald insisted.

"OK, fine, we'll get settled in our room first," the Bearer of the Curse had no choice but to agree. "THEN can we check out the souvenir store, please?"

"Ugh, fine..." Shanalotte groaned again. "But you're going back on that smoothie diet when we get home."

"Y-yes, dear..." the Bearer of the Curse nodded weakly. "Hey... Where's Shalquoir?"

"SALMON, TUNA, EEL, OH MY!"

Sweet Shalquoir had already gone to the sushi bar, and was overwhelmed by the dishes going around on the conveyor belt. She almost felt like a kitten again; a kitten who had been introduced to a laser pointer for the first time. It wasn't long before Shalquoir had a three-foot-tall stack of sushi and sashimi plates in front of her, which she briefly admired as drool dripped from her mouth. Without a second thought, she began to dig in, a look of sheer satisfaction on her furry face.

"Um, excuse me..." an assistant sushi chef interrupted the feline, "You know you're going to have to pay for all of that, right?"

"Oh, of course," the cat gave the chef a sly grin. "Put it on my tab. The name's 'Bearer of the Curse'."

Back at the reception area, Solaire spoke with Amagi-san and paid for his accommodations, as he promised. He dumped a pile of Sunlight Medals on the counter, which the hostess was initially reluctant to accept because they were worth a LOT more than what the actual rate was. Solaire insisted that she take them all, anyway, as he had more of those medals lying around at home.

"All right, everybody, the room keys are with me!" Solaire announced as he returned to his group. "Each room is good for three to four people. So! Who shall be bunking with who?"

"Me, Evetta, Arty and Ciaran," the Hunter said.

"Oh, um, Shanalotte and I will be sharing our room with the Maiden in Black and Slayer of Demons," the Bearer of the Curse said.

"Ooh, guess that leaves the three of us!" Solaire said to the Chosen Undead and Rhea, wrapping his arms around them. "Oh, how wonderful!" He glanced to his side and noticed the Slayer of Demons giving him a wink, knowing full well what Solaire was planning to do.

After the vacationers had had lunch, as well as gone to their respective rooms and unpacked, they returned to the reception area to begin looking around the inn. The Bearer of the Curse immediately headed for the souvenir store, with the Emerald Herald groaning as she followed suit. Shalquoir was still at the sushi bar. The Hunter and the Doll decided to check out the game room while Artorias and Ciaran took Sif for a walk around the grounds. Rhea had wanted to go to the rock garden first, and the Chosen Undead and Solaire accompanied her. The Slayer of Demons and the Maiden in Black, who had just used Sage Freke's scroll to improve her vision, decided to go see the koi pond.

"Oh, that orange and black one is funny," the Maiden in Black pointed out to one of the koi. "I thank thee for the scroll. It is so nice to be able to see clearly again!"

"Well, the trip wouldn't be much fun if you couldn't see anything, right?" the Slayer of Demons teased. He looked around and noticed that there were other guests who were looking at the koi. "Huh, this place sure has a decent amount of people coming over for being so remote."

"It's a hotspring. Who doesn't love hotsprings?" the Maiden in Black said.

"Yeah, we don't have anything like that in Boletaria," the Slayer of Demons nodded. "Heh, you know, I just realized... This place is like the complete opposite of the Valley of Defilement! Great facilities, friendly people, clean, soothing water..."

"What's that you said about the Valley of Defilement?"

The Slayer of Demons almost jumped upon hearing the familiar deep and intimidating voice. He turned around and was more than surprised to see his rival, Garl Vinland. With him was his lady Maiden Astraea. What were these two doing here?

"Garl," the Slayer of Demons acknowledged the knight's presence. "What brings you here?"

"Dearest Astraea and I are on vacation," Garl replied. "Something wrong with that?"

"Didn't know you types actually went on vacations..." the Slayer of Demons teased. "Or even know what a 'vacation' is... -cough-workaholics-cough-"

"What was that?!" Garl said, annoyed.

At that moment one could pretty much see the lightning bolts coming from the two rival knights' eyes. Their respective girlfriends could only look on awkwardly and with much embarrassment.

"S-so, thou art on vacation with Garl?" the Maiden in Black asked.

"Y-yes, we are," Maiden Astraea replied. "Garl has just been under so much stress lately, I figured some rest and relaxation would do him well. The Dirty Colossus offered to watch over the valley while we were gone, so... Are you and the Slayer of Demons on vacation as well?"

"Yes," the Maiden in Black nodded. "The Hunter and the Doll won a raffle and got vouchers for this place, and they invited us along. Ah! Actually, your cousin is here with us."

"Oh, Cousin Rhea?" Astraea asked, surprised. "I haven't seen her in a long time!"

"Perhaps you'd like to join us," the Maiden in Black suggested, "We shall be taking a dip in the hotsprings later tonight."

"Ah, thank you! That would be great!" Astraea said. "I just hope the Slayer and Garl don't pick a fight again--"

"What did you just call me?!"

"You heard what I said! Squidhead! SQUIDHEEEEEEEEAAAD!!!"

The two maidens turned around and saw the knights wrestling with each other and trying to push the other into the koi pond. Other guests were simply watching them, entertained by how juvenile the two grown men were acting. The maidens immediately pulled the two apart, utterly embarrassed as they dragged their boyfriends away.

"S-so, see you later?" the Maiden in Black called out to Maiden Astraea.

"R-right, later!" Astraea replied.

...

It was three o' clock in the afternoon. Just outside the inn, a very exhausted Cathedral Giant had arrived. It let its three passengers step down from its shoulders before falling to its knees, panting.

"There, there, Poochie-kun!" Djura said, patting the giant. "I'm sorry we made you run all the way here... But you did well! I'll make sure you get a tasty treat for your efforts! Because you're such a goooooooooood boy! Yes you are! Yes you aaaaaaaaaaaare!"

"Oh for the gods' sakes stop baby-talking the giant, Djura!" Eileen hissed. She was still visibly shaken from having had to ride on the Beast's shoulders. "So, now what, Gehrman? What's your brilliant plan?"

"I'm gonna find that Hunter and give him a good smack on the head!" Gehrman said, limping on his wooden leg. "Nobody leaves Gehrman behind! Especially if it involves a vacation! Come on! The inn's just over there!"

"Ugh, I told you!" Eileen said as she and the other two senior citizens made their way up the stone steps that led to the inn, "I don't WANT to go to a hotspring, anyway! All this is more trouble than it's worth!"

"Quiet, woman!" Gehrman said stubbornly. "This ain't about just the hotspring! I'm gonna teach that Hunter that it's not right to leave your elders behind!"

When the three elderly hunters made it to the entrance, Gehrman kicked down the heavy wooden doors and loudly announced their presence, saying that they were looking for the Hunter.

"HUNTER!!!" Gehrman yelled as he whipped out his scythe, "COME OUT HERE AND SHOW YERSELF! DID YOU REALLY THINK YOU COULD LEAVE ME BEHIND AND GET AWAY WITH IT?! WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?!"

"Gehrman, SHUT UP! You're making us ALL look like lunatics!" Eileen said.

"Did you by any chance forget to take your meds today?" Djura asked nervously as he noticed guests and attendants giving them weird looks.

"Um... Can I help you?" Amagi-san asked the three senior citizens after being informed by an attendant that they were making a ruckus. 

"Yeah, you can start by telling me where the hell the Hunter is!" Gehrman said, flailing his arms like a madman.

"And you are...?" the hostess asked.

"Gehrman! Gehrman the First Hunter!" Gehrman said proudly, "And I have just been done a grave injustice, madam! A GRAVE INJUSTICE! Now, where is the Hunter?!"

"I'm Djura, by the way! And this is Eileen!" Djura interrupted.

"Quiet! I'm speaking with the lady here!" Gehrman yelled.

Amagi-san quickly ordered one of the attendants to go find the Hunter and the Doll and bring them to the reception area. The couple emerged from the game room after hearing the loud noises, and were led by the attendant to the front desk, where they saw the geriatric hunters wreaking havoc.

"Oh, shi—!" the Hunter gasped, shocked to see the three oldtimers. "W-what are you three doing here?!"

"I should be the one asking questions, whippersnapper!" Gehrman said. "How DARE you leave me behind?! I haven't had a vacation in so long, and you DENY me the opportunity to relax at this here hotspring?! Shame on you, boy! SHAME ON YOU!"

"Honestly Gehrman do you NOT have an indoor voice?!" Eileen was getting more annoyed and embarrassed by the minute.

"D-did you invite them without telling me...?!" the Hunter asked the Doll.

"Um... I might have... mentioned the trip..." the Doll replied sheepishly.

"Evetta..." was all the Hunter could say as he let out a deep sigh.

"Mr. Hunter, are these three guests of yours?" Amagi-san asked. "Forgive me, but their behavior is improper and I fear they might scare off the other guests!"

"I... I'm sorry, but there's been a misunderstanding!" the Hunter tried to explain. "Please, Amagi-san, could you help us out here? Just so we can avoid any more trouble..."

"Hmm..." the hostess was deep in thought. "I... suppose we can work something out. Our inn has a policy not to deny guests, especially not senior citizens... Even if they are, well... bloodthirsty lunatics like these three."

"Hey! I heard that!" Eileen said as she and Djura restrained Gehrman.

"P-perhaps you could allow them to stay?" the Hunter begged. "They came all this way, and I'm afraid if they don't get what they want, things could get ugly. And I mean... Really ugly."

"Come to think of it," Amagi-san said again, "The payment Mr. Solaire gave earlier was more than enough. All right. Let's give these three a room and a reservation."

"Oh, thank you so much!" the Hunter said, deeply relieved. "Now, if only we could get them to calm down..."

"Not to worry, Mr. Hunter. I know just the thing," Amagi-san said confidently, then approached the three old hunters again. "Ahem! Um, Mr. Gehrman, Ms. Eileen and Mr. Djura... I am pleased to say that you have been granted a reservation at our inn. Now... Would you three care for some... Bingo?"

"Bingo?" Gehrman said.

"Bingo?" Eileen repeated.

"Bingo?" Djura said as well.

"Yes," the hostess nodded. "We have a bingo hall here at our inn... And it's open _24 hours a day._ "

And just like that, the three oldtimers calmed down. It was like magic! Amagi-san led the three towards the bingo hall, all while casting a sideways glance at the Hunter as if to say, "you owe me big time". The Hunter and the Doll could barely believe what had just happened. Indeed, it seemed bingo was in fact a universal cure for impatient senior citizens!

"Boy, am I glad that's over..." the Hunter sighed as he and the Doll made their way back to their room.

"I... I am terribly sorry for causing this misunderstanding," the Doll said, hanging her head low.

"It's OK. At least things got sorted out..." the Hunter said. "But geez, Gehrman... That old coot is crazier than I thought!"

"S-sorry..." the Doll said again. "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

"Well... There is something..." the Hunter said in a playful tone as he gave her a suggestive look. "But we're gonna have to wait until later tonight."

"Good Hunter..." the Doll said in an equally playful tone, "I'd like that, but you forget Knight Artorias and Lord's Blade Ciaran are sharing the room with us."

"Oh, trust me," the Hunter said with a sly grin, "Arty and Ciaran wouldn't mind."

"Hmm?" the Doll said, tilting her head slightly to the right like she usually did when she was curious.

"Let's just say..." the Hunter said, "I've had to deal with their, um... 'Ceaseless Discharge' before. And it wasn't pretty. About time I returned the favor..."

...

"Oh my, it's absolutely lovely here!" 

Solaire couldn't help but express his awe as he looked around the inn's rock garden. Really, it was like every inch of this place was beautiful and perfect. Even the ROCKS were gorgeous! And they looked even more glorious in the light of the late afternoon sun, too. Solaire trudged on happily while the Chosen Undead and Rhea followed. He found a particularly large rock at the far end of the garden. 

"Now THAT... is a fine perch for praising the sun!" Solaire said with a low whistle.

"Careful, Solaire!" the Chosen Undead called out to the bucket-headed knight as he scrambled onto the rock. He chuckled, then turned to Rhea. "So, uh... Do you like it here?"

"D-do you mean the whole inn or just this garden?" Rhea asked.

"Uh, both, I guess?" the Chosen Undead shrugged. "I like both. It was really nice of the Hunter and the Doll to invite us."

"Yes," Rhea smiled and nodded. "I like it a lot here. This rock garden, especially. There aren't any people here, either. It's nice and quiet."

"And apparently, this place is perfect for praising the sun!" the Chosen Undead said as he pointed to Solaire doing his trademark pose while standing on top of the large rock. "Oh, Solaire..."

The two laughed as they watched the jolly knight intensely praising his beloved sun. At that moment the Chosen couldn't help but notice how cute Rhea's little giggles sounded and found himself staring at her.

"Oh!" Rhea said, starting to blush as she noticed the Chosen looking at her, "Um, s-sorry... M-my laugh must sound annoying to you..."

"N-no, not at all!" the Chosen Undead shook his head. "It... sounds really cute, actually."

"Um..." was all Rhea could say as she continued to blush. The Chosen Undead blushed as well. A long, excruciatingly awkward silence hung in the air.

From atop his perch, Solaire noticed the two acting all shy and awkward around each other again and shook his head. He almost wanted to yell, "Oh, just kiss already!" at the two, but went against the idea. As a Warrior of Sunlight, he could surely think up of better and more creative ways to accomplish his "mission". Perhaps he could use the hotsprings to his advantage...

But before he could think of anything, Solaire noticed another woman clad in white hooded robes approaching. Egads! A doppelgänger?! Curious, Solaire hopped down from the rock and ran over to where Rhea and the Chosen Undead were.

"Cousin Rhea! It's so good to see you!"

"Oh my! Cousin Astraea!" Rhea said as she cheerfully greeted Maiden Astraea with a hug. "It's been so long! How have you been doing? I thought you were busy doing missionary work at the Valley of Defilement?"

"Well, Garl and I are here on vacation," Astraea explained. "You remember Garl, right?"

"Yes, of course!" Rhea said as she greeted the knight. "Hello, Mr. Vinland! It's good to see you again as well!"

"Lady Rhea," Garl greeted her back with a short bow at the waist.

"Oh, and who is this?" Astraea remarked upon seeing the Chosen Undead. "Your boyfriend perhaps?"

"W-w-what?! N-no, it's not... W-we're not... It's not what it looks like!" both Rhea and the Chosen Undead said at the same time, in perfect synchronization.

"Aww, that's cute," Garl chuckled. "They even say each other's sentences."

"A-Ahem!" Solaire cleared his throat as he approached the group. "Hello there! I am Solaire of Astora. I don't believe we've met. Are you two acquainted with my friend Rhea of Thorolund?"

"Yes, I'm her cousin," Maiden Astraea giggled. "Hello. I am Maiden Astraea."

"Knight Garl Vinland," Garl said.

"Ah!" Solaire said, "Ah yes, I've heard about you two from the Slayer of Demons and the Maiden in Black! Ah, what a happy coincidence it as that you two are here at this inn as well!"

"We actually ran into the Slayer of Demons and the Maiden in Black earlier," Astraea said, trying not to think of the embarrassing incident at the koi pond. "So... I heard you all came here as a group?"

"Why yes, we're a jolly group of eleven with a large wolf and a talking cat!" Solaire beamed. "In fact, you two seem like good company. Why not join us for dinner, and a bath tonight?"

"That sounds lovely!" Astraea smiled. "It's always nice to have some extra company around, right, Garl?"

"Ehh..." Garl muttered, "Maybe if that company didn't have the Slayer of Demons with them..."

...

That evening, the Hunter and Doll's party had grown from eleven to sixteen, not counting Sif, Shalquoir, and Poochie the Cathedral Giant, who were having their own dinner outside. The large group sat at an equally long table filled with an amazing variety of food. There was a large pot of sukiyaki, multiple plates of sushi and sashimi, vegetable stew, miso soup, curry, all manner of seafood, several bowls of rice and ramen, prawn and vegetable tempura, and even a small grill for steaks! Artorias was absolutely overjoyed at this and his mouth was already watering even before the vacationers could sit down. The three oldtimers were practically drooling at the sight of the food as well.

"This food looks amazing! Thank Oedon I brought my good dentures!" Gehrman announced loudly and proudly, completely oblivious to the look of sheer horror on the younger vacationers' faces.

"Look, JoorJoor! They have mochi! Your favorite!" Djura said to his little bandaged monkey Beast companion.

"Will you two shut up and eat already?!" Eileen said impatiently as she began to slurp down a bowl of sukiyaki. "We still have a bingo game to get back to!"

"So much for not bringing the oldies along..." Artorias said to the Hunter as he playfully elbowed him. "It seems thou cannot escape these three, no matter what thou dost..."

"I'm just so glad there's a bingo hall here," the Hunter sighed. "A 24-hour bingo hall, too... That should at least limit the amount of trouble these three will cause..."

"Please don't tell me they're joining us in the hotspring as well," Ciaran said nonchalantly, making the Hunter choke on his tea and spit it out. "Oh. Apologies for that mental image. I didn't mean to disrespect the food."

"Hey, where are the Bearer of the Curse and the Emerald Herald?" The Slayer of Demons asked.

"I believe they're still at the souvenir store," the Maiden in Black replied. "They've been arguing over whether or not to buy Green Tea Kit-Kats for the last six hours."

"Well, they better wrap up that argument or else they'll run outta food!" The Slayer said, stuffing his mouth with fried shrimp.

"Ugh, don't you have any manners?" Garl scolded the Slayer from across the table. "That isn't polite!"

"You wanna see what else is impolite? THIS!" the Slayer then chomped on a deep-fried squid. "Look Garl, I'm eating your brethren! YOUR BRETHREN!"

"WHY YOU LITTLE—"

"G-guys, come on!" the Chosen Undead tried to stop the two knights from fighting. "Can't we all just get along and have a nice dinner?"

"That's right, young'uns!" Gehrman butted in, "Why, back in my day, we all treated food with respect and never ever argued at the table! Hohrrestry, you rids threse rays..."

"And yet you say that while your mouth is stuffed with meat and rice and we can barely understand you," Eileen snarked, then took a sip of her tea.

"I think I see thy self fifty years into the future, Ciaran..." Artorias whispered.

"... Shut up, Arty," Ciaran said, folding her arms across her chest. She knew he was just teasing, but Artorias still planted a playful kiss on her forehead to show that he was kidding.

Overall, the group had a pleasant dinner save for a few hiccups here and there. Not a single soul wanted to touch the sukiyaki pot after Gehrman accidentally dropped his dentures into it. The life drained from everyone at the table once that happened. Poor Rhea almost fainted at the sight and the Hunter had to excuse himself and vomit in the restroom.

Eventually, Shanalotte and the Bearer of the Curse also managed to make it before everyone else had finished eating. They had apparently finally decided to buy the Green Tea Kit-Kats the Bearer wanted so badly after causing the cashier at the souvenir store much grief with their bickering. The group ate heartily (but avoided the tainted sukiyaki at all costs) however they made sure not to stuff themselves too much. They were still planning on going to the hotsprings later that night, after all. As for the oldtimers, there was the matter of an intense and competitive game of bingo.

"I ain't letting Old King Allant win, oooooooh no!" Gehrman said as he and his two other companions headed back to the bingo hall. "That speedboat has MY name on it!"

"Old King Allant?" Djura snickered. "I'd be more worried about Ingward. If you asked me, I think that guy's cheating..."

"Oh please," Eileen scoffed, "You all know I'M going to be the one to bring home that speedboat!"

The others could only watch in silence as the three senior citizens left, apparently to engage in a battle of wits, reflexes and stoicism with other elderly guests. They silently wished the three old hunters good luck, and hoped the bingo game would last for a very, very long time.

"Well then..." Solaire was the first to speak after a long, awkward silence. "Hotsprings, anyone?"


	3. Hotsprings Against Humanity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Hunter and company have finally decided to take a dip at the hotsprings. But like most traditional hotsprings, boys and girls have to bathe separately. And we all know what inevitably happens with a rule like that in place.

"All right, finally! This is what we came here for!"

The Hunter and Artorias the Abysswalker were racing through the halls of the inn like giddy little children on a sugar high. Lord's Blade Ciaran and the Doll called out to them, telling them to be careful not to slip as they had already changed into their yukatas and the wooden floor had just been polished an hour ago. The Hunter and Artorias were naturally the first to arrive at the entrance to the hotsprings, followed shortly by their respective girlfriends, who had also changed into their yukatas.

"Hey, how come the yukata they gave thee actually fits?" Artorias asked the Doll, and looked at his own clothes, which were far too small for him and couldn't cover past his elbows and knees.

"I may be tall, but I'm not THAT tall, Knight Artorias," the Doll teased. "I doubt this inn gets guests who are over nine feet tall very often."

"And besides, you're taking it off as soon as you get to the hotspring," Ciaran added.

"Hmm, true," Artorias agreed. He then added in a suggestive tone, "And I'll probably be taking this off when we get to bed later—"

"DUDE, too much information!" the Hunter interrupted, an uncomfortable look on his face. Artorias merely laughed at how much he was able to troll his friend.

Solaire and the others arrived not long after. As they promised, Garl Vinland and Maiden Astraea would also be joining the group in the hotsprings. Once they were all ready, the vacationers split into two smaller groups: boys and girls, since the hotsprings were gender-segregated. It WAS a traditional inn, after all. But oddly enough, the inn didn't allow complete nudity at their hotsprings (for hygiene reasons, apparently) and so everybody had worn swimsuits. The Slayer of Demons was especially disappointed at this. He had been planning to do some... "sightseeing" that night...

"Aaaaaaaaaahh, this water feels great..." the Hunter sighed as he let his body sink into the hot water. "This is definitely a lot better than just a hot shower..."

"Indeed, the water is amazing..." Artorias agreed. "Too bad animals aren't allowed in the hotsprings. Sif may hate baths, but I bet he'd just love it here..."

"Hey, have you guys seen Solaire?" the Chosen Undead asked, "I swear he was right behind me a second ago."

"Huh? Yeah, where'd he go?" the Bearer of the Curse said, looking around.

"Isn't that him, standing over there?" Garl said, pointing to a figure standing on one of the large rocks that surrounded the hotspring.

"That's him, all right," the Bearer of the Curse nodded, then called out to him. "Hey Solaire! What are you do— OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT?!"

There was Solaire, standing on a large rock and praising the sun at eight o' clock at night. And he was wearing a ridiculously tight and eye-searingly bright yellow speedo... with a red sun logo smack dab in the crotch area.

"Ahh, isn't this just wonderful?" Solaire said cheerfully as he continued to praise the sun, completely oblivious to the mental trauma he was unknowingly causing.

"M-MY EYES!!!" the Chosen Undead covered his face with his hands.

"Oh man... Maybe Father Gascoigne had the right idea to gouge his own eyes out..." the Hunter said.

"Dammit, Solaire!" the Slayer of Demons yelled, "Get down from there and get in the water already so we don't have to see that... that... _thing!_ "

As soon as the Slayer said this, Solaire cannonballed into the hotspring, causing a large splash of warm water. He emerged from the water still smiling and still utterly clueless at what his... "unique" swimwear had done to his friends.

"Oh? What's wrong?" Solaire asked, puzzled at the mortified faces around him. "You fellows look like you've just seen a ghost!"

"Ugh... I wonder if the girls had to endure something like this as well..." the Chosen Undead muttered, lowering his head and blowing bubbles in the water.

"I'm more interested in what the girls are wearing, to be honest..." the Slayer of Demons remarked in a perverted way.

"Pfft, really!" Garl said, disgusted. "A man should not think impure thoughts of his lady!"

"Whazzamatter, Garl?" the Slayer couldn't help but poke fun at his rival, "Does Astraea wear ugly granny swimsuits so bland and boring you don't even wanna think about them?"

"How DARE you!" Garl snapped. "Why, I'll have you know Dearest Astraea has great taste in swimsuits! And, and... She wears them in a variety of colors! Not just black!"

"Hey, you saying my girl has bad taste in swimsuits, punk?!" the Slayer snapped back.

Once again, lightning bolts emerged from the rival knights' eyeballs as they growled at each other. They probably would've started another fight had it not been for the Bearer of the Curse and Solaire restraining them. The Hunter opted to ignore the situation, closing his eyes and just relaxing in the water. Artorias looked on, entertained by the lightning bolts coming from their eyes and wondering if Ornstein could do the same.

After much effort, the Slayer of Demons and Garl Vinland finally calmed down and went back to just relaxing in the hotspring. The Bearer of the Curse was still fidgety, though, and kept a close eye on Solaire, making sure he wouldn't stand up or climb onto the rock again. For a while, all was quiet as the men let the sensation of the hot water overtake them. Solaire, of course, didn't like complete silence. He looked at the Chosen Undead, who was reclining against a rock on his left, and thought up a conversation.

"So... How are things between you and Rhea?" Solaire asked bluntly. Cheerfully, but still bluntly.

"H-HUH?!" the Chosen Undead suddenly sat up, caught off-guard by the question. "W-what do you mean by that? E-everything's f-fine..."

"Oh? So acting all shy and awkward around each other is 'fine'?" the Slayer of Demons snarked. "Suuuuuuuure..."

"G-guys, I keep telling you," the Chosen Undead said again, "Rhea and I are just friends! S-stop thinking that there's something going on..."

"But wouldn't it be just natural to assume something's going on when you keep staring lovingly into her eyes all the time?" the Slayer persisted.

"You finish each other's sentences and talk in synchronization," Garl said.

"Besides, Rhea has a lovely personality!" Solaire said. "She's kind, sweet, thoughtful... And she has a cute laugh!"

"And she doesn't nag you about every little thing all the time, too..." the Bearer of the Curse added, somewhat glumly. "Or force you to clean the cat's litter box..."

"And if thou wantst to kiss her, thou dost not have to bend over!" Artorias added.

"YOU GUYS!!!" the Chosen Undead shouted, his face as red as a boiled lobster now.

"Hey man, keep it down..." the Hunter said, "I'm trying to take a nap here..."

"Oh, just let your emotions run free!" Solaire said to the Chosen Undead, "Let your heart run wild and free like a beautiful brown-and-white stallion galloping across the prairiiieeeee!" He stood up again and started to do his signature pose, flaunting the bright yellow speedo once more...

"ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT!" the Bearer of the Curse stood up as well, and began to drag Solaire out of the water and towards the souvenir store. "I'm sorry, Solaire, but we're getting you a proper, DECENT swimsuit whether you like it or not!"

"B-but what's wrong with my speedoooooooooo?" Solaire said as his fellow knight dragged him away.

"Oh boy," the Chosen Undead sighed, and got out of the water as well. "Guess I should come along and help Solaire out. Any of you guys wanna come with?"

"Nope, I'm good," the Slayer of Demons said, too lazy to move.

"I think I'll pass," Garl said as well.

"Best of luck to you!" Artorias said with a smile. "I have to keep an eye on the Hunter lest he slide into the water in his sleep and drown." Beside the Abysswalker was the Hunter, fast asleep and snoring loudly.

...

"Mr. Cashier! Help me pick out some swim trunks for my friend here!" the Bearer of the Curse said as he dragged Solaire into the souvenir store.

"Ah, good to see you again, sir..." the cashier said dryly, then pointed to a corner to the far end of the store, "The swimwear section is over there..."

"Come on, Solaire, let's go," the Bearer of the Curse said as he pushed Solaire towards the swimwear section. "Go on, pick. Board shorts or swim trunks?"

"But, but... I don't want to get rid of my speedo! This was a gift from my father!" Solaire said adamantly. At that moment, the Chosen Undead entered the store and saw his best friend being forced to pick out a new swimsuit. He felt bad for Solaire, but couldn't help but laugh at the same time.

"But, but... I don't want to wear a bikini!" another voice, a female one this time, said.

"Fine, we'll get you a swimsuit with cute lace or something!" Ciaran said in an irritated voice as she brought Rhea, who was clad in what could be best described as a wetsuit, into the store. "But you are NOT wearing scuba gear in the hotspring!"

"I-It's not scuba gear, it's a rash guard!" Rhea insisted.

"Well, what a stroke of fortune!" Solaire said, noticing the Chosen Undead looking in the two girls' direction, "Oh, don't mind me. I'll be fine here! Why don't you go help Rhea pick out a swimsuit?"

"SOLAIRE!" the Chosen Undead snapped, blushing again.

He decided to stay and help the Bearer of the Curse get Solaire a decent pair of trunks. It was for a noble cause, anyway. Still, the Chosen couldn't help but wonder why the inn's souvenir store had such a bizarre selection of swimwear... There was even one that could only really be described as "green latex leggings with a pair of plastic Moonlight Butterfly wings". It was in the men's section, too... The young man wondered if maybe the bright yellow speedo wasn't so bad after all. After a while, though, Solaire finally emerged from the dressing room wearing appropriate swim shorts. They were still bright yellow, and still had a sun logo, but at least the logo wasn't on the crotch area anymore so that was a huge improvement.

After Solaire had paid for his shorts, the three men headed straight back to the hotspring, though admittedly the Chosen Undead was a bit disappointed they had to leave before he had a chance to see Rhea's new swimsuit. Obviously, he didn't say this out loud, but the look on his face gave his thoughts away instantly. Once back at the hotspring, the guys who stayed behind were deeply relieved that the offensive yellow speedo was no more.

"So, what have you gents been doing while we were away?" Solaire asked.

"Well, Garl and the Slayer had another lightning bolt showdown," the Hunter said. "Luckily Arty and I stopped them before they could break anything. Woke me up, that's for sure."

"He started it..." Garl, who now had a black eye, muttered while casting a sideways glance at the Slayer of Demons.

"Did not..." the Slayer of Demons, who also had a black eye, muttered back.

"Girls, you're both pretty! Can't you two just get along?" the Chosen Undead joked, only to be met with glares that could pierce even Black Iron Tarkus's armor. He decided to keep his mouth shut or it might be him having a taste of that lightning next...

"So, did anything interesting happen at the souvenir store?" Artorias asked.

"Now that you mention it..." Solaire said, "It seems I was not the only one who was unfortunate enough to be coerced into buying new swimwear against my will. Ciaran and Rhea were there as well. Apparently Ciaran did not approve of the maiden wearing scuba gear in the hotspring."

"Scuba gear? Really?" the Slayer of Demons snickered. "Then again, I guess clerics have to be conservative, right? So does that mean Astraea's wearing a heavy diving suit with a round helmet or something?"

"Oh, don't you start this again, Slayer..." Garl threatened.

"We left before we could see Rhea's new swimsuit, though," the Bearer of the Curse said. "You should've seen the look on the poor old Chosen Undead's face. He was so disappointed!"

"I was not!" the Chosen Undead said. Of course, nobody believed him.

"You know..." the Slayer of Demons said slyly, "I bet there's still a chance for you to see just what that lovely new swimsuit looks like... Hey guys. I have an idea. Wanna go... 'sightseeing'?"

"Oh, but there's not much to see anymore now that it's late at night," Solaire said, completely missing what the Slayer actually meant.

"Not literal sightseeing, Solaire..." the Slayer explained. "I meant, well, you know..."

"Uh, I d-dunno about this, g-guys..." the Chosen Undead stammered.

"Oh, come on! You WANT to see Rhea in her new swimsuit, don'tcha?" the Slayer of Demons said like a little devil-on-the-shoulder. "Come on, just a peek..."

"Ugh, despicable!" Garl scolded the Slayer again. "Really, what does the Maiden in Black see in you? Oh wait... She DOESN'T see anything in you! Because she CAN'T!"

"Why don't you jump the wall, Garl?" the Slayer retaliated, "You'd fit right in with the girls! Especially with that hair of yours, GOLDILOCKS!"

"I AM GOING TO STRIP THE FLESH OFF YOUR BONES!!!"

The Slayer had no time to react when Garl tackled him and pinned him underwater. By now all the other guys were panicking and trying to stop the two knights from seriously killing each other. Luckily Artorias was there, and he managed to pull the two men apart, grabbing them by their shoulders in each hand. The hotheaded knights tried their best to free themselves from his grip, but the Abysswalker had immense strength in addition to his height and both Garl and the Slayer were reduced to pathetically flailing their arms. But before the guys could figure out how to handle the situation, something caught their attention...

On the other side of the wall, the guys heard the distinct sound of the girls laughing. And it wasn't just regular laughter either; they were laughing like insane hyenas who had just overdosed on the gas dentists use when they pull wisdom teeth out. It was HYSTERICAL laughter, and mixed in with that laughter was a distinct, embarrassed shriek.

"Kyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! S-stop it! This is horrible!"

"R-Rhea?!" the Chosen Undead recognized the voice immediately. "W-What's going on there?"

"W-was that Ciaran?" Artorias said after hearing a particularly loud, almost evil-sounding deep female laugh.

"Heavens! What on earth could those girls be doing?" Solaire said.

The guys all gathered together and simultaneously pressed their ears against the wall, trying to hear what exactly was going on on the other side. They were completely taken over by curiosity.

"OK, OK, next question!" a voice that sounded like Shanalotte said. "How do I compensate for my tiny dick?"

"Kyaaaaaaaaaa!" Rhea squealed again, mortified at the question.

"THESE LOW, LOW PRICES!" a voice that was unmistakably Ciaran said proudly. The other girls laughed again while Rhea continued to shriek.

"C-CIARAN?!" Artorias gasped, the color draining from his face.

"Next one!" a voice that sounded like the Maiden in Black said. "This month's Cosmo: 'Spice up your sex life by bringing [blank] into the bedroom!'"

"The primal, ball-slapping sex your parents are having right now!" the distinct voice of Maiden Astraea declared with much confidence and enthusiasm.

"D-DEAREST ASTRAEA?!" Garl couldn't believe such lewd words could come from the maiden's mouth.

"Next question!" Ciaran spoke up again. "What do old people smell like?"

"Auschwitz," Shanalotte replied, and was met with the women's laughter and more of Rhea's cries of horror. The Bearer of the Curse shuddered upon hearing this, but wasn't nearly as horrified as Artorias and Garl were.

"I shall read the next one," Maiden Astraea said, "Life for American Indians was forever changed when the White Man introduced them to [blank]."

"Dying," Shanalotte said again.

"Oh, how awful!" Rhea squealed again.

"Daaaaamn, you're good at this game!" Ciaran complimented the Emerald Herald.

"A game?" the Hunter said, "What weird-ass game could these girls possibly be playing?"

"Please, I don't want to play anymore!" Rhea was practically begging the other girls.

"But Rhea, thou have not even given an answer yet! Come now, keep playing!" the Maiden in Black insisted.

"Here is the next sentence," the voice of the Plain Doll said, "When all else fails, I can always masturbate to [blank]."

"GRANDPA'S ASHES!" Ciaran declared, and the women started laughing like hyenas again. Meanwhile, on the other side of the wall, Artorias was slowly deflating.

"Cousin Rhea, you read the next one!" Astraea said.

"I... I don't know about this..." Rhea said hesitantly.

"Oh come on, you're just gonna read the sentence is all," Ciaran said.

"A-all right, then..." Rhea reluctantly complied. "Um... Now in theaters: [blank] vs. [blank]."

"All-inclusive Birth Control vs. My Unborn Son," the Doll replied.

"E-EVETTA?!" the Hunter said in disbelief, not wanting to accept that the Doll had such a dark sense of humor.

"Wow. Who knew our girlfriends were such morally dubious people?" the Slayer of Demons remarked.

"N-no, Dearest Astraea..." Garl muttered, still horrified at what he had heard her say a while ago.

"T-there must be some good explanation, right?" the Chosen Undead said, "I mean, I don't think they're all secretly evil...!"

"Indeed, this game they're playing must have put them under demonic possession!" Solaire concluded. "Why, I for one cannot let this happen! Hang on, gents, let me get my sword—"

"Let's not jump to conlusions, Solaire!" the Bearer of the Curse tried to calm the Sunlight Warrior down. The men decided to listen some more, hoping to get some more clues on what could have possibly driven the women, apparently, insane.

"How did I lose my virginity?" Shanalotte asked.

"The Make-A-Wish Foundation," the Doll replied. Ciaran cackled like a witch on crystal meth.

"[blank] may pass, but [blank] will last forever," the Maiden in Black said.

"Grandma may pass, but..." Ciaran said, "Necrophilia will last forever."

As the sound of the women laughing hysterically filled the air again, Artorias was beginning to consider drowning himself in the hotspring.

"OK, last one, girls!" Shanalotte said, then cleared her throat. "Lifetime presents [blank], the story of [blank]."

The men on the other side listened intently, wondering what the conclusion to this bizarre and offensive game would be. More importantly, they needed to know how exactly the women came across this game in the first place. But for some reason, nobody was speaking up. Silence hung in the air. Had something gone wrong? Had the foul demon that possessed these girls emerged from some sort of portal in the hotspring and had finally come to harvest their souls?

"Lifetime presents..." Rhea unexpectedly spoke up, "Um... Lifetime presents, 'The Clitoris', the story of scrubbing under the folds."

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHH!!!" Ciaran yelled.

"Cousin Rhea, I am SO proud of you!" Astraea congratulated her younger cousin, all while trying to control her laughter.

"See, did we not tell thee this game was fun?" the Maiden in Black said.

"Congratulations, Rhea!" the Doll cheered, then clapped her hands.

"Th-thank you!" Rhea stammered. "I... I guess that game was sort of fun, after all—"

"NO, DON'T LET THE DEMON POSSESS YOU, RHEAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

The girls were startled by the sudden loud yelling, and were shocked to see the Chosen Undead and Solaire on top of the wall, with Artorias giving them a boost.

"D-don't let the... Huh?" the Chosen Undead couldn't finish his sentence as he noticed a bunch of black and white cards laid out on the rocks, and a few of them still being held in the girls' hands. Were they reading from these cards the entire time?

"Cards... Against... Humanity?" Solaire read the words printed on the box where the cards came from.

"Wha... What the hell do you think you're doing?!" Ciaran stood up angrily. "Were you... Were you trying to peep on us?!"

"N-no, it's not what you thi— Whoa..." the Chosen Undead tried to explain, but was distracted by the sight of Rhea in a white, form-fitting swimsuit with ribbons on it. Before he knew it, his face had turned completely red and blood was gushing from his nose like the Bloodletting Beast reading a Playboy magazine.

"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" Rhea shrieked. "PEEEEEEEEEEEEEERV!!!"

"Ciaran, what were you— WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAA!!!" Artorias tried to speak, but was equally distracted by Ciaran, who was wearing a blue string bikini which was, without a doubt, THE skimpiest swimsuit among all the girls. He was so distracted he not only turned red and started nosebleeding as well, but he completely forgot he was supposed to be giving Solaire and the Chosen Undead a boost and dropped them, causing them to fall in the water... on the ladies' side of the hotspring!

"Ow, ow, ow!" the Chosen Undead said, not sure if the pain was from the fall or being blanched by the hot water.

"Oh dear..." Solaire said nervously upon seeing the enraged women slowly surrounding him and the Chosen Undead.

"P-Please, t-this is just a misunderstanding!" the Chosen Undead tried to plead. He got on his knees and hung his head low. "W-w-we're sorry!!!"

"Too late for apologies, boys!" Ciaran said, slamming her fist into her palm. She was so angry the two knights could swear her eyes were actually glowing blood-red. "Nobody peeps on the Lord's Blade and gets away with it! NOBODY!"

The Chosen Undead cowered in fear while Solaire rolled into a ball for protection.

"I AM GOING TO EXECUTE YOU!!!"

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGHH!!!"

And so, the group decided they had had enough of the hotsprings for that night.

...

Meanwhile, inside the inn's administrative meeting room, a worried-looking attendant had come to Amagi-san, the hostess, with a pile of papers.

"Amagi-san, I'm afraid we have terrible news..." the attendant began, then laid the papers on the hostess's desk. "These numbers are off the charts! We've also been getting stronger and stronger frequencies on the early warning system..."

"Good grief..." Amagi-san said as she looked over the reports. "A Category 5?"

"I'm afraid so," the attendant nodded sadly. "The signal is moving. It's headed straight for this inn... Just like the prophesy said."

"Then, it seems..." the hostess folded her hands together and thought deeply, "It seems THEY might be our only hope..."

"You mean, the guests who arrived today?" the attendant asked. "The ones who won the ten vouchers?"

"That's right," Amagi-san nodded. "There's a reason we sent out those vouchers... So it seems those people... They didn't just win through sheer luck. They were chosen. They are the only ones who can defeat... HIM."

Amagi-san then stood up and touched the painting on the wall behind her desk, revealing a hidden button. She pressed it, causing the wall to move out of the way and reveal a glass panel. The hostess looked down at the massive chamber from behind the panel, then turned her attention to what was being secretly kept in there.

"Those guests... are the worthy pilots we've been waiting for."


	4. Interrupted Intimacy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the disaster that occurred in the hotsprings, the couples go back to their rooms and try to make peace. Only, that "peace" might've gotten a bit out of hand...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter contains lots of extremely crude bedroom humor. Nothing explicit, but still crude, so... Thou hath been warned.

"Good Hunter, does your face still hurt? Here, let me have a look."

"I'm fine, Evetta— OW!" the Hunter winced in pain as the Doll treated the bloody bruise on his face with some antiseptic. "OK, maybe it still hurts a little bit."

The Doll smiled, applied a fresh bandage on the bruise and gave the Hunter a peck on the cheek. "There, that should do the job. I'm terribly sorry for what happened back at the hotsprings..."

"It's OK..." the Hunter said, shuddering slightly at the memory of the incident that occurred a while ago. "We shouldn't have eavesdropped on you girls anyway. And besides, you weren't the one who cast Wrath of the Gods and utterly annihilated us..."

The Hunter, the Doll, Artorias and Ciaran had returned to their room once the skirmish at the hotspring was over. Ciaran was still angry at Artorias for being an "accomplice" to the Chosen Undead and Solaire, who were apparently "peeping" on her and the other girls. Luckily she wasn't THAT angry and Artorias got away with a punch to the nose and a kick in the shin. A fairly mild punishment, considering this was Lord's Blade Ciaran... The other men were not so lucky.

Poor Solaire and the Chosen Undead took the brunt of the punishment, being at the frontlines when a very angry Maiden Astraea and Rhea of Thorolund both cast Wrath of the Gods at the same time. It was so destructive it even made a hole in the dividing wall of the hotspring and hit the men on the other side! Ciaran, on the other hand, personally went up to each of the men and punched them in the face several times. After much apologizing, groveling, and enough tears to fill a new hotspring, Ciaran and the others finally forgave the men. Rhea and Astraea were satisfied enough with their apologies to heal the men's injuries, while the Maiden in Black cast an illusory wall to hide the fact that they had completely obliterated the hotspring's partition.

"Honestly, what were you guys thinking?" Ciaran asked Artorias. "If you wanted to join the game you should've just said so!"

"We thought thou hath been possessed by demons!" Artorias explained. "W-where did you even get those atrocious cards in the first place?"

"I bought them!" Ciaran said. "It's a fun game! Geez, Artorias!"

Ciaran sighed as she realized it was terribly silly to argue over Cards Against Humanity. She sat down on the bed next to Artorias and leaned against his side. Artorias, relieved that his girlfriend was finally calming down, wrapped an arm around her. Ciaran wrapped her own arm around his, signifying a truce.

"You know..." Artorias said after a few moments of silence, "You looked great in that bikini. Is it new?"

"Way to change the topic, Arty..." Ciaran snarked, but in a playful way. "And yes, it's new."

"I like it. Thou should weareth it more often," Artorias replied, his voice becoming more suggestive in tone.

"Oh?" Ciaran said, beginning to sound more suggestive as well. "But I thought you preferred it when I'm not wearing anything at all?"

"True..." Artorias replied, his boyish voice gradually sounding huskier. "Actually, I'd prefer it if you weren't wearing anything right now..."

"Right back at you, wolf boy..." Ciaran purred. "That yukata is far too small for you, anyway, so why not take it off...?"

"As you wish, my Horny Hornet..." Artorias said as he began to undress.

"UM, GUYS!" the Hunter interrupted from across the room, "EVETTA AND I ARE STILL HERE, YOU KNOW!"

The Hunter was ignored by his two companions, who were spewing more and more cheesy innuendo at each other by the second. He tried to get their attention again, but to no avail. The Hunter sighed, then proceeded to pull the sliding partition from the wall when Ciaran and Artorias didn't listen to him and had begun passionately making out.

"Geez..." the Hunter slumped onto his and the Doll's bed and covered his ears with a pillow. "I'm so glad we live in separate apartments back at home..."

"Um, are Artorias and Ciaran always like this?" the Doll asked awkwardly, covering her ears as well when she could hear the two starting to get more... intense.

"Y-yeah, they've been like that since college..." the Hunter answered as he pulled the blankets over his and the Doll's heads. He had a look of sheer discomfort etched onto his face as the noises from the other side of the room got even louder and even more inappropriate. "Funny how it's been so long and I'm STILL not used to it..."

"I suppose it's kind of sweet, in a way," the Doll said, "How those two are still very close and affectionate with each other, I mean."

"You sound as if you don't find me affectionate..." the Hunter teased.

"N-no, that isn't what I meant..." the Doll said, worried that she had upset the Hunter.

"I was just kidding, honey," the Hunter reassured her, wrapping an arm around her and kissing her on the cheek. 

The Doll smiled and kissed him back, on the lips this time. The Hunter gladly reciprocated and it wasn't long before the two had gotten out of their yukatas and were passionately making out as well. Only, they weren't quite as loud and as wild as Ciaran and Artorias were...

"I love you, Good Hunter..." the Doll said.

She blushed as she tenderly wrapped her arms around the Hunter's shoulders and kissed his neck. The Hunter returned the gesture and excitedly positioned himself. He had been hoping for something like this to happen and couldn't wait to get started.

"I love you too, Evetta—"

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH, ARTORIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS, OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH!!!!!!!"

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH, CIARAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!"

"OH MY GOD, SHUT UP, GUYS!!!" the Hunter suddenly sat up and angrily shouted at his two roommates.

The Hunter hid under the blankets again, irritated and frustrated that he couldn't even have a romantic moment with his girlfriend thanks to these two. The Doll comforted him, but couldn't hide her amusement at the situation. She then whispered softly into the Hunter's ear, reminding him of what he had told her that afternoon...

"Weren't you going to repay a favor to these two, Good Hunter?" the Doll said suggestively.

"Oh, Evetta..." was all the Hunter could say as he kissed the Doll again. Perhaps it was time to give Artorias and Ciaran a taste of their own medicine...

...

Meanwhile, in Solaire, the Chosen Undead and Rhea's room, the Sunlight Warrior found himself in quite a pickle, quite a pickle indeed... Oh wait, wrong knight. Anyway, Solaire was sitting on the tatami mat, sipping some tea and virtually acting as a wall between Rhea and the Chosen Undead, who were sitting on opposite sides of the room and weren't talking to each other. Clearly, they still felt awkward about what had happened earlier at the hotsprings. This was no good, though. Solaire was determined to patch things up between the two, or else his personal "mission" would be a failure. He had to think of something!

"Oh my, it appears I've run out of tea!" Solaire declared as he stood up with his teapot and headed for the door. "I shall quickly go out and refill my pot! I'll be right back!"

Solaire left and shut the door, leaving only Rhea and the Chosen Undead in the room. Instead of leaving like he said he would, though, he stayed near the door and pressed his ear against it. The knight was hoping to hear the two talk to each other and resolve the issue themselves.

"Psst! Solaire! Pssssst!" a voice called out from behind a potted bamboo plant.

"Ah, Slayer of Demons! Glad you're here!" Solaire said as the other knight approached him. "Everything all right with you and the Maiden in Black?"

"Yeah, we managed to clear things up. Had a few beers as a peace treaty," the Slayer of Demons said. "But my girl can't hold her liquor well and passed out after the second can... Figured I'd come out here and check on you. So, how's Operation Matchmaker going?"

"Not so good, I'm afraid," Solaire shook his head. "After what happened back at the hotsprings, Rhea and the Chosen Undead won't so much as look at each other, let alone speak! We've got to do something about it... By the way, where is the Bearer of the Curse?"

"Ehh... The missus is still mad at him so he's grounded," the Slayer said, scratching the back of his head with his hand. "Poor guy's sleeping on the floor tonight... With no blankets or pillows... That's pretty harsh, but hey, you know Shanalotte. Still, not even _Shalquoir_ sleeps on the floor!"

"Dear, oh dear," Solaire said glumly, "That's quite unfortunate, but I can only solve one relationship problem at a time!" He pressed his ear against the door again, hoping to hear something. The Slayer of Demons did the same.

The two knights were treated to a long, awkward silence. Several minutes passed, and still they heard nothing. Solaire sighed, his chest tightening with despair as he thought his mission was a failure. But just as the two men were about to give up entirely, they finally heard a sound come from inside the room.

"Uh... Rhea?" the Chosen Undead finally spoke up.

"Y-yes, Chosen Undead-kun?" Rhea replied, somewhat startled.

"I, uh... I just wanted to..." the Chosen tried to find the right words, not wanting to upset the maiden again, "I just wanted to say that I'm sorry... for what happened earlier."

"I-it's OK..." Rhea said, "I-I forgive you... And, um... Like you said, it was j-just a... misunderstanding."

"S-so, uh..." the Chosen said as he slowly stood up from his spot and walked over towards the large window, where Rhea was sitting, "No hard feelings?"

"No hard feelings..." Rhea finally smiled as the Chosen Undead sat down beside her. "Um... You may act like an idiot sometimes, Chosen Undead-kun, but... I don't think I could ever stay mad at you."

"Whew, that's good to know..." The Chosen let out a sigh of relief. They sat there for a while, looking out at the view of the rock garden from the window. Rhea glanced at the Chosen Undead from the corner of her eye and noticed that he still had a few minor burn marks and bruises on his face even though Maiden Astraea had healed him earlier.

"Um, your face..." Rhea said, "It hasn't completely healed."

"Huh? Oh..." the Chosen touched his left cheek. "This is nothing, really. I've had worse injuries in Lordran, ehehehe..."

"I forgot to apologize as well," Rhea said, sounding guilty, "For blasting you and Solaire back there. I went a little overboard."

"No, really, it's OK--"

Without thinking, the maiden placed her palms on the young man's cheeks and cast a minor healing miracle. Even after the burns and bruises had healed, Rhea still didn't remove her hands. The Chosen Undead pointed this out, which caused Rhea to pull back nervously. He looked at the maiden and saw that she was blushing and twiddling her fingers again, and soon the young man was starting to feel that familiar, excruciating awkwardness looming...

"H-hey, Solaire sure is taking a long time to refill that teapot, huh?" the Chosen Undead began to stand up. "Maybe I should go check on him or something—"

"N-no, stay here," Rhea said suddenly. "I mean... I don't mind the company. So... Stay and sit with me?"

"S-sure..." the Chosen Undead felt heat rushing to his cheeks.

"AWW YEAH, FINALLY," the Slayer of Demons mouthed silently to Solaire so as not to blow their cover, and the two knights exchanged a triumphant high-five. Solaire started making weird hand gestures that looked vaguely militaristic, which the Slayer couldn't even remotely begin to comprehend. "Wait, what? I'm a Slayer of Demons, not a Navajo! Say it normally!"

"Let's stay here a while longer," Solaire whispered, "And see how this unfolds!"

The two knights pressed their ears against the door once more.

"Ha-choo!" Rhea suddenly sneezed. "Oh! I'm sorry, um... I must've caught a c-cold in the hotsprings. A-and, it's also quite cold in this room as well..."

"Want me to get you a jacket or blanket? Maybe some Pyromancy?" the Chosen Undead offered.

"N-no, it's fine," Rhea said. "But... There is something you can do to keep me warm."

"Hmm?"

"M-maybe you could... Wrap your arms around me...?"

"DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE," the Slayer silently mouthed again to Solaire. He noticed that Solaire was happy with this turn of events as well. "All right, man, mission accomplished! Let's go get some sake!"

"No, not yet!" Solaire insisted. "It's not a success if those two don't make it 'official'... with a big triumphant smooch and a romantic power ballad playing in the background! Preferably Van Halen!"

"Suit yourself, man," the Slayer shrugged as he walked away. "I'm gonna go get a drink. Later!"

Inside the room, Rhea and the Chosen Undead had huddled together for warmth. Their faces were flushed completely red, but the two also had large smiles on their faces and were clearly enjoying the tender moment they shared. Rhea inched even closer to the Chosen Undead, resting her head against his shoulder. Now that she was so close the Chosen couldn't help but take in the scent of her hair. Mmm, peaches...

"This is nice, isn't it?" Rhea sighed softly. "It's not very often we get to spend time like this together..."

"Y-yeah..." the Chosen wrapped his arm around her tightly, pulling her even closer. "H-hey Rhea, can I say something?"

"Hmm?" Rhea said, "What's on your mind?"

"Well, uh..." the Chosen Undead hesitated, "Y-you know, we've been friends for a long time, and... you probably already know that I..."

This was it. The moment of truth!

"I like you, Rhea!" the Chosen Undead finally confessed. "And I mean, I really, really, REALLY like you. Like, a lot!"

The young man stopped talking, realizing what he had just done. The Chosen Undead felt like a heavy rock-- Havel the Rock's entire armor set, even-- just dropped into the pit of his stomach. He had just unleashed his feelings to Rhea. He had just let that beautiful brown-and-white stallion run free across the prairie.

"S-sorry! I just..." the Chosen explained, "Just needed to get that off my chest..."

"Um... Actually, I..." Rhea said, her face as red as a tomato at his declaration, "I... I like you a lot, too! I... I've had a huge crush on you ever since the school trip to the Tomb of the Giants— Kyaaaaaaaaa!" Rhea couldn't say any more. She tried to pull away so she could hide her face in her hands, but the Chosen Undead just pulled her even closer towards him.

"I-in that case..." he said, gently cupping her face with his hand, "Rhea, I was wondering... W-would you be my—"

_"IT'S GOT WHAT IT TAKES, SO TELL ME WHYYYYYYYYY CAN'T THIS BE LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE?"_

"H-HUH?!" both Rhea and the Chosen Undead jumped in surprise. They wondered where on earth that music was coming from, and turned around... And there was Solaire, giddily standing behind them with a large boombox on his shoulder, blasting Van Halen's "Why Can't This Be Love?" across the room.

 _"YOU WANT IT STRAIGHT FROM THE HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAART!"_ Solaire sang along, _"OH, TELL ME WHYYYYYYYYYYY CAN'T THIS BE LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE?"_

"S-SOLAIRE?!" the two shouted at the same time, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

"Oh, don't mind me!" Solaire said cheerfully as the guitar solo portion of the song played, "Go on! Do continue where you left off!"

"S-sorry! I think I should go to bed now!" Rhea said.

"Y-yeah, me too!" the Chosen Undead said as well.

And so poor Solaire, oblivious to the fact that he had just ruined Rhea and the Chosen Undead's romantic moment, simply sat on the floor, puzzled. He lowered the volume on his boombox and continued to sing along.

_"Baby whyyyyyyyyy can't this be loooooooooooove?"_

...

"N-16, ladies and gentlement. N-16."

"I GOT IT AGAIN!!!" Eileen the Crow shouted at the top of her lungs as she punched another hole into her bingo card. The elderly hunter then stood up and pointed her index finger at another senior citizen from across the room, "Take that, Ingward!"

"E-Eileen, calm down!" Djura said nervously as he noticed all the other geriatric vacationers in the room giving them menacing looks.

"It ain't over till the fat lady sings!" Ingward shouted back, "I'm gonna win that speedboat, ya hear?! It'll be a great addition to New Londo Splash!"

"Oh PLEASE!" Eileen said, "Why would a water park even need a speedboat?! You're going DOWN, Sealer!"

Meanwhile, the game facilitator simply yawned and continued picking out bingo numbers. After working at the inn for almost fifteen years, he was more than accustomed to seeing seniors get all riled up over a game. Nothing new here...

"B-83, ladies and gentlemen. B-83."

"Ha...!" Old King Allant laughed. "Sorry, blokes, but it looks like I'LL be the one to bring home that lovely speedboat!"

"Wow, these guys are reeeeeeaaally taking this game seriously, eh, Gehrman?" Djura said to his fellow old hunter.

"This is BINGO, Djura!" Gehrman snapped. "Bingo is ALWAYS serious business! Now stop breathin' over me neck, will ya? I'm tryin' to concentrate!"

"I-27, ladies and..." the facilitator couldn't hold back the yawn. "I-27."

"Huh. Looks like the tides are turning in our favor," the two primordial serpents Kaathe and Frampt said as they punched a hole (with much difficulty, since they had no arms) into their shared bingo card.

"Argh, dammit!" Eileen slammed her fists on the table.

"G-56. G-56."

"Ohohohohohoho!!!" Gehrman shouted excitedly and punched another hole in his card. "Just two more numbers and I'm gonna win!"

"Pfft, TWO more?" Eileen sneered, "I only need ONE more number, Gehrman! ONE MORE NUMBER!"

"I only need one more number, too!" Ingward mocked from across the room.

"So do I!" Old King Allant joined in.

"OH, YOU DARE CHALLENGE EILEEN THE CROW?!" Eileen stood up on the table and withdrew her Blades of Mercy. "Well, let's see you try! Nothing comes between the HOONTER OF HOONTERS and sweet, sweet victory!!!"

"Put your money where your mouth is, woman!" Frampt hissed.

"If anybody's gonna win this thing, it's ME!" Gehrman stood up on the table as well, activating his Burial Blade. "TONIGHT, GEHRMAN JOINS THE HUNT!"

"That line is LAAAAAAAAAAAME!!!" Kaathe yelled.

Meanwhile, the game facilitator had fallen asleep, completely oblivious to the chaos unfolding in the room.

"Oh dear..." Djura planted his face on the table and covered his head with his hands. Djura Jr., the monkey Beast, emerged from under the table and cooed softly, trying to comfort his master. "Thanks, JoorJoor. You know, this bingo game isn't as fun as I thought it would be..."

"Speak fer yerself!" Gehrman butted in whilst deflecting an attack from Old King Allant's sword, "I'm having a BLAST! Don't be such a sourpuss, Djura! Else you'll be no different from that whippersnapper Hunter!"

"Ehh..." Djura sighed, "I wonder how the Hunter and his friends are doing..."

...

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH, GOOD HUNTEEEEEEEEEEER!!!"

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH, EVETTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

Artorias and Ciaran were frozen in their bed, shocked at the loud noises coming from the other side of the room. Was that... the Hunter and the Doll? Were they... Were they doing what they thought they were doing? It sure sounded a lot like it... The Abysswalker and the Lord's Blade could hardly believe their ears.

"Huh," Ciaran said, "Didn't know the Doll had it in her. Now, where were we?"

"Uh, Ciaran...?" Artorias said, "I... I don't think I can continue. I'm not comfortable doing it while another couple is doing it in the same room..."

"WHAT?!" Ciaran snapped. "You're backing out NOW?!"

"We had a good run for tonight..." Artorias reasoned, "Perhaps it's best to call it for today and get some sleep—"

"Oh no you don't, Abysswalker!" Ciaran was adamant. "We are having this right now! Come on, on your back!"

Meanwhile on the other side of the partition, the Hunter and the Doll were silently laughing to themselves. Frankly, they were amazed that their plan actually worked! There were no more ungodly noises coming from Artorias and Ciaran's side, and it looked like the Hunter and the Doll could finally have a moment to themselves for real...

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH, ARTORIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS!!!"

Or maybe not.

"N-no way..." the Hunter slapped his forehead in frustration.

"Ciaran sure does have a lot of stamina," the Doll remarked.

Back on their side of the partition, Artorias looked up at Ciaran, baffled as to why she was making exaggerated moaning noises (which to be fair, didn't sound that far off from her regular bedroom moans) when he was just lying there and not even doing anything. Ciaran sighed, disappointed that he couldn't catch on to what she was planning to do. She leaned in close and whispered to him.

"Look, you said you can't continue when another couple is doing it in the same room, right?" Ciaran said, "Well, then that leaves us no choice but to make THEM uncomfortable and not want to keep going. So just play along, OK?"

"O-OK..." Artorias reluctantly agreed, but internally questioned the logic of this plan.

"All right, your turn," Ciaran signaled. "And make it sound convincing!"

"OOOOOOOOOHH, OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH CIARAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN, OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH!!!!!!"

"It seems Artorias is really getting into it, Good Hunter," the Doll said.

"If that's the game they want to play..." the Hunter said with determination, "Then we're gonna play, all right..."

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH EVETTAAAAAAAAAAAA, OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH!!!!!"

"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD HUNTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!!!!! WHAT IS IT YOU DESIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRE?"

"CHANNEL MY BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD ECHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOES, BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!"

"T-those two sure have some bizarre dirty talk!" Artorias said uncomfortably as a single drop of sweat ran down his forehead.

"Time to bring out the big guns, then..." Ciaran said, "Come on, Artorias! Grunt!"

"W-what?"

"Grunt like you do when you're about to finish!"

"Ciaran, what are you—"

"Just do it, Arty!"

"Ciaran, I can't do this!"

"GODDAMMIT, ARTORIAS!"

The Hunter and the Doll were on edge as silence filled the room. They anxiously awaited the next round of monstrous roars, but when no sounds came from the other side of the partition, the couple began to wonder if they had actually WON... The Hunter let out a sigh of relief, but now both he and the Doll were much too tired to actually do anything and simply wanted to sleep. The Hunter yawned and stretched his arms, while the Doll rested her head on his chest.

"Well, that certainly wasn't how I was planning to spend the night..." the Hunter said.

"Perhaps another time, then, Good Hunter..." the Doll kissed the Hunter's shoulder, then closed her eyes. The Hunter kissed the top of her head as they cuddled. He was simply glad to have her by his side.

The couple was ready to finally get some much-deserved rest, when all of a sudden...

"UUUUUUUUUWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!"

"OOOOOOOOOOOHHH YES!!! YES, ARTORIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS!!!"

"GRUUUUUUUUUUUUWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHH RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWRRRGGGHH!!!!!!"

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH, AAAAAAAAAAAAAARTOOOOOOOOOORIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS!!!!!!"

**"GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWRR RUWAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGRARGRAAAAAAAARRGHH GREEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGHH HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGHH!!!!!!"**

"OH, THIS IS TOO MUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCH!!! ARTORIAS!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAARTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS, OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH!!!!!!"

_**"GUWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGHH ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGHHH HUUUUUUUUUUUWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWRRGGHH GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGHH!!!!!!!!!"** _

"G-Good Hunter, I'm worried about Knight Artorias!" the Doll sprang up, genuinely concerned.

"M-me too! He sounds like he's being corrupted by the Abyss!" the Hunter said.

"We have to do something! He might try to eat Ciaran!" the Doll panicked.

"I'm on it!" the Hunter instantly jumped out of bed as the Abyss roars on the other side grew louder.

The Hunter immediately pulled back the room partition, not caring that he himself didn't have any clothes on. He was too worried that something terrible was happening to his friend!

"ARTY!" the Hunter shouted, "Arty, are you all right— OH SWEET MOTHER OF PEARL!!!"

The two men yelled in horror at seeing each other buck naked, while the two women shrieked like banshees and covered themselves up with blankets. The Hunter instinctively punched Artorias both for scaring him and the Doll and for causing her irreversible mental trauma. As they were all putting their clothes back on, Ciaran called the Hunter out, saying that he was the one who started the whole fiasco by making those fake bedroom noises. The Hunter retaliated that none of this would have happened if she and Artorias hadn't been so. damn. horny! But before the argument could get really ugly, the four suddenly felt the ground shaking beneath their feet.

"Earthquake! Everybody duck and cover!" the Hunter yelled. He, Ciaran and the Doll managed to hide under the table, while Artorias tore down the room partition and used it to cover his head. After a minute or so, the tremors stopped.

"Evetta, are you OK?" the Hunter asked the Doll.

"Y-yes, I'm fine," the Doll assured him.

"An earthquake..." Artorias said as he emerged from under the partition, "I was not expecting that."

"That's what we get for ambiguously living in Japan," Ciaran said dryly as she brushed the dust off her shoulders. "Oh yes, I made that wisecrack. Sue me."

A few seconds later, the group heard someone furiously knocking at their door. The Hunter opened the door and saw a frantic-looking Bearer of the Curse— and an equally frantic Emerald Herald carrying Shalquoir just behind him— who told them to get to the reception area as quickly as possible. Amagi-san had apparently called their group specifically and told them it was urgent. The Hunter acknowledged the message, and said that he and the others would get there as soon as they could.

As they ran through the halls of the inn, the Hunter suddenly stopped dead in his tracks. The oldtimers! He told the Doll, Artorias and Ciaran to go on ahead while he headed back and made a turn, heading for the 24-hour bingo hall. The three elderly hunters were none too pleased that he had interrupted their precious bingo game / geriatric Battle Royale (and right when Eileen was FINALLY about to win, too!), but the Hunter ignored them as he was more concerned about their safety. Even if they were eccentric, bloodthirsty and borderline senile old hunters, they were still senior citizens!

The Hunter finally arrived at the front desk, where all his friends, including Garl Vinland, Maiden Astraea, and the two pets Sif and Shalquoir, were waiting for him. Amagi-san and two of her attendants were there as well.

"I'm sorry to have called you all out here so suddenly," Amagi-san said with a short bow, "But I am afraid this is a matter of utmost importance... Please, follow me."

The group did as they were told, and followed Amagi-san into her office. She touched the secret button behind the painting on her wall, revealing the glass panel, the huge chamber behind it, and the thing that was being kept inside...

"Is that...?" the Chosen Undead said in disbelief.

"No way..." the Bearer of the Curse gasped.

No one could believe what they were seeing, and yet, there it was, right in front of them. A gigantic humanoid mecha, well over fifty feet tall, secretly being kept in a hidden chamber below the inn. What was this thing, and what on earth was it doing here?!

Something big was going on, the Hunter could tell... It looked like their weekend vacation was about to turn into something else.


	5. Soulsborneon, Spin On!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang has just discovered a giant mecha secretly being kept under the inn they're staying at! Also, they learn of a prophesy and an ancient evil... This is more than just a vacation now!

"Duuuuuude, it's a GUNDAM!!!"

"It's not a Gundam, it's an EVANGELION!!!"

"You guys, it's CLEARLY a GUNMEN!!!"

The Slayer of Demons, the Chosen Undead, and the Bearer of the Curse were bickering amongst each other, arguing just exactly WHAT the gigantic fifty-foot-tall mecha standing in front of them was. It didn't really matter to them HOW or WHY that thing was even there in the first place. In fact, it didn't matter to them that it was secretly being kept under the inn and hotspring they were supposedly having a weekend vacation at. No, the most important thing was its NAME.

"Look man, see those little atennae?" the Slayer of Demons pointed at the mecha's head, "It's definitely a Gundam!"

"No, no, look at the overall shape of the body!" the Chosen Undead reasoned, "It's far too slender to be a Gundam, and the armor isn't nearly as bulky! It's an Evangelion!"

"You're both wrong!" the Bearer of the Curse cut in, "Look at its torso! Does that NOT look like a face to you guys? A humanoid mecha with two faces? I'm telling you, it's a Gunmen! A Gurren Lagann-type Gunmen, to boot!"

Meanwhile, the rest of the vacationers and Amagi-san, the hostess of the inn, could only look on at the three arguing knights with blank faces and giant sweatdrops forming on their heads.

"Uh, Amagi-san?" the Hunter asked the hostess, "What exactly is going on here?"

"Perhaps you should all have a seat first," Amagi-san said, "This is going to be a long explanation."

Once everybody had settled down, Amagi-san began her explanation.

"Fifteen years ago, a giant meteor crashed onto this very mountain, right outside this inn and hotspring," the hostess began. "I was a scientist back then, and I was here with a team of other scientists. We were checking the water in the hotsprings for a mineral the could reverse the effects of aging—"

"Aww, WHAT?! You're telling me this NOW?!" Gehrman interrupted, but was silenced by Eileen who shoved a sock in his mouth.

"Do go on," Eileen said.

"R-right... Ahem! Anyway," Amagi-san said again, "When we checked the meteor, we found a giant mecha curled up inside, clutching a piece of space paper in its hands. On that paper was... a prophesy. It said, 'Hello, my name is Soulsborneon, a mighty metal warrior from another galaxy. I have come to this world to warn thee all of a great threat. Fifteen years from now, a volcano from across the seas shall erupt, and with this explosion, a portal to the Abyss shall openeth. From this portal, a dark metal abomination shall emerge— a foul, hideous and most definitely EVIL robot demon known as Manushandradorah! Only I can stopeth this monster, but I cannot do it alone. In my hand, I have ten keys that only the worthiest of the worthy may receive, and these ten shall be the ones to pilot me. Now go! Go forth and seeketh these worthy pilots! For if they do not arrive in time, Manushandradorah shall destroyeth us all... Oh, and keep me hidden from the rest of the world while you're at it. The inn and hotspring is a nice, inconspicuous hideout! Just a suggestion!' That was the prophesy. That last part was a postscript."

"You see, there was a REASON we sent out those ten vouchers..." Amagi-san continued, "It's because those aren't just ordinary vouchers... They're KEYS. And these keys only respond to certain people, otherwise they remain as regular pieces of paper. These keys... They CHOSE the ten— no, eleven of you. You people... are the chosen pilots! Only you can pilot Soulsborneon and defeat Manushandradorah!"

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!"

"I think you may be drinking a little too much 'herbal tea', lady!" Ciaran snarked.

The vacationers all had puzzled looks on their faces and clearly did not believe a single word Amagi-san had said. The Hunter, thinking this lady must be as crazy as the three elderly hunters, stood up to leave and told the rest of the group to do the same. But as soon as he said this, another earthquake hit and the vacationers were forced to stay. That still didn't mean they believed what they had just been told, though. The hostess sighed, then ordered one of her attendants to turn on the huge monitor in the room. On the screen, still images and videos flashed simultaneously. They all showed a giant, horrific, anthropomorphic dragon-like creature with three heads. It looked just like a demon or monster, but its body was also made of metal, similar to the humanoid mecha in the room.

"THIS," Amagi-san said ominously, "Is the robot demon from the Abyss—"

"I-is that... Manus?!" Artorias pointed at the middle head.

"The head on the right... It's—" the Bearer of the Curse gasped.

"Queen Nashandra!" Shanalotte said. "God, she looks even uglier now!"

"And the third head is... One of the heads of King Ghidorah?" Solaire said, confused. "Hmm. Seems a bit out of place, if you asked me."

"Well, THAT explains why it's called 'Manushandradorah'..." Shalquoir snarked.

"Hey, I'M the one who's supposed to be the deadpan snarker here! Bad kitty!" Ciaran scolded the cat. Shalquoir simply rolled her eyes, as if to say her trademark, "Oh, spare me!"

"Would've made more sense if it were Seath or Kalameet's head, though. Just saying..." the Chosen Undead muttered.

"Or the Cleric Beast's head... " the Hunter added.

"But wouldn't that be redundant since Manus's head is already on there?" the Doll observed.

"A-ANYWAY!" Amagi-san said again, annoyed that her serious, dramatic monologue was so rudely interrupted, "These images here... These videos... And the earthquakes we've been having... They are solid proof that the prophesy was correct! Manushandradorah has emerged from the Abyss and has come to destroy us all... And we have to use Soulsborneon to stop it! Now, all of you suit up and start piloting!"

"WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!" the Hunter said, "Look, Amagi-san, I know you mean well, but... You can't... You can't just expect us to suddenly pilot a giant freaking robot and fight another giant freaking robot demon monster thing! We don't know HOW! And we're supposed to be on vacation, for crying out loud!"

"Ahem!" the Slayer of Demons cut in, "I for one have TONS of experience piloting giant robots—"

"Playing _Armored Core_ doesn't count, dear," the Maiden in Black said bluntly.

"Goddammit," the Slayer said.

Suddenly, another earthquake, this time much, much stronger than the ones that came before, hit. Without warning, the ceiling collapsed and nearly squashed the three elderly hunters, had it not been for Garl Vinland using his shield to protect them while Maiden Astraea cast a force field miracle. At that point, everyone was absolutely horrified to see a humongous, clawed metal hand tearing the roof off the building.

"Amagi-san!" a panicked attendant screamed. "It's Manushandradorah! IT'S HERE!!!"

And along with the giant metal hand, smaller robot demons came pouring into the room and started attacking everyone. Luckily the attendants each had assault rifles and were able to defend themselves, but wave after wave of enemies kept coming through...

"Mr. Hunter, please..." Amagi-san begged. "You and your friends are our only hope!"

"I..." the Hunter hesitated.

"Better make a decision NOW, Hunter!" Gehrman shouted as he fought off one of the robot demons with his scythe.

"We'll hold them off as best as we can!" Garl said, bringing out his hammer, "Just... Get inside the damn robot already!"

"All right..." the Hunter finally made a decision. 

"LET'S KICK SOME ASS!!!"

...

The Hunter and his friends suited up and made their way to the main control room of the giant mecha known as Soulsborneon. As they came to learn, the reason it needed ten keys was because there were five cockpits that could only be piloted in pairs. Artorias and Ciaran decided to take the cockpit that controlled the right arm; the Chosen Undead and Rhea took the cockpit for the left arm; the Bearer of the Curse and Shanalotte took the right leg; the Slayer of Demons and the Maiden in Black took the left leg. The Hunter and the Doll controlled the head and gave the commands to the other body parts, while Solaire remained in the control room in the torso to serve as support.

"OK everyone, get your vouchers— I mean, keys!" the Hunter ordered. "On my signal... One, two... three!"

The pilots inserted their keys into Soulsborneon's multiple access ports at the same time.

"SOULSBORNEON! SPIN ON!"

The giant robot's eyes began to glow and Soulsborneon stood up for the first time in fifteen years. Initially, it moved clumsily, but before long the pilots had finally gotten the hang of controlling the mecha. Solaire activated the robot's wings and it shot up into the air, where the group found themselves face-to-face with Manushandradorah, their enemy... Soulsborneon promptly got into a fighting pose. Manushandradorah did the same. Before they knew it, the two robots had engaged in airborne combat.

Back on the ground, Amagi-san and her staff had started evacuating the guests. Djura and Poochie, his Cathedral Giant, assisted her, while the other two elderly hunters fought the robot demons alongside Garl Vinland and Maiden Astraea. The Great Grey Wolf Sif also joined in the fray, easily cutting down the demons with his greatsword. Even Shalquoir was in on the action, since she was immortal anyway and was more than happy to put her sharp claws to good use. More enemies kept coming, though, and it wasn't long before the group was starting to feel overwhelmed...

"WRATH OF THE GODS!!!" Maiden Astraea yelled as she cast the powerful destructive miracle, utterly destroying the robot demons in the vicinity.

"My, my, that girl is strong!" Eileen was impressed.

"That's my Dearest Astraea for you!" Garl said proudly as he beat another robot demon to a pulp with his gigantic hammer. "Now, less talking! More smashing!"

"Heh! Outta my way, small fry!" Gehrman said as he used his Quickening attack, generating a massive blast of razor wind. "Lemme show ya what the First Hunter is made of!!!"

"Not bad, old man!" Shalquoir complimented the oldtimer, "But Sweet Shalquoir doesn't need any fancy tricks to rip an enemy apart!" Shalquoir them proceeded to bite several robot demons on their throats and tear them apart with her sharp claws like a lioness.

Not wanting to be bested by a cat, Gehrman showed off his skill with the Burial Blade. He also put his Art of Quickening to good use, teleporting from point A to point B in the blink of an eye and leaving behind the shattered remains of his enemies.

"What is this, Show And Tell?" Eileen snarked. "Fine then, I guess it's my turn!"

The Crow Hunter then somersaulted into the air, twirling her blades as she spun around. As she landed on her feet, she activated the Blade of Mercy's true form and sliced the robot demons around her as if they were fruit.

"Nice one, Granny!" Garl said.

"Watch it, pretty boy!" Eileen hissed.

"I was just being polite!" Garl said with a laugh.

Everybody was showing off their skills, but that didn't mean they weren't taking the fight seriously. For every flashy move, several robot demons were laid to waste. Sif was no slouch either. He swung the gigantic sword in his mouth and it was obvious he had trained with Artorias. The great wolf jumped in the air and spun like a wheel, his sword spinning with him as well. He was like a furry, fluffy buzz saw, chopping enemies to bits! Upon landing he stuck the sword in the ground and let out a fierce, triumphant howl, before picking the sword up again and continuing the slaughter. Not bad for a puppy!

Garl Vinland, who had the most physical strength, swung his heavy hammer with great ease. The knight struck down enemies before they could even have a chance to attack. One robot demon tried to attack Astraea while her back was turned, and Garl completely CRUSHED it for even DARING to come near his Dearest Astraea. He stayed near the maiden, protecting her from the enemies as she cast Wrath of the Gods.

"Glad to have you back, Garl," Astraea teased. "I was wondering where you'd run off to!"

"Oh, you know, just pummeling robot demons to the ground," Garl replied casually as he continued to, well, pummel robot demons to the ground.

"Well, now that you're here, I don't want you leaving my side again," Astraea said playfully as she blasted another enemy with a destructive miracle without even looking in its direction.

"As you wish, Dearest Astraea," Garl said. Astraea smiled and gave him a quick kiss before she resumed fighting.

"Oi! You two lovebirds!" Gehrman called out to the two, "You can act all lovey-dovey later! AFTER all these robot demons are dead!"

...

As the ground team continued to fight, so did Soulsborneon in the air. It used its fists to land hard, heavy punches on Manushandradorah's chest, but the robot demon was unfazed. It swung its mighty metal tail at its foe, causing it to stagger backwards. The robot demon then used its King Ghidorah head to bite at the mecha's wings. Soulsborneon lost its balance and almost fell out of the sky!

"Activating auxiliary hyper thrusters!" Solaire said as he pressed buttons on the control panel.

"Nice save, Solaire!" the Hunter said, then gave another command. "Arty! Ciaran! Activate the Soul Greatsword!"

"Roger! Oh, I hath been waiting for this..." Artorias said enthusiastically as a long laser sword emerged from Soulsborneon's right arm.

"All right, Arty!" Ciaran said, "Let's show this bastard how the Hornet and Wolf fight!"

Soulsborneon lunged at Manushandradorah, skillfully wielding its laser greatsword. The robot demon tried to block and parry its attacks, but Artorias and Ciaran's attacks were too strong... Max Poise and Max Critical Hits— THIS was the combined power of the Hornet and the Wolf! Soulsborneon managed to pull off some impressive swordplay with Artorias at the helm, and its moves were both so strong and unpredictable that Manushandradorah was beginning to take massive damage from its attacks.

"Keep going, Artorias! Ciaran!" the Doll cheered them on.

Again and again they hacked, slashed, and thrusted at the robot demon, overwhelming it. But Manushandradorah wasn't above playing dirty... It used its clawed hands to clamp onto Soulsborneon's right arm, preventing it from swinging its laser greatsword, then bit into it with its Manus head!

"AAAAAAAAAAAARRGGHH!!!" Artorias screamed in pain, his neural link with the mecha causing him to feel the bite on Soulsborneon's arm. The Abysswalker stumbled backwards and was disconnected from the mecha, clutching his arm as it bled profusely.

"ARTORIAS!" Ciaran yelled. She turned her attention back to Manushandradorah, pure rage in her eyes. "YOU... BASTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD!!!"

"Ciaran, switch to the Soul Tracer Blades!" the Hunter ordered. 

"Chosen Undead! Rhea! Get ready! You're controlling the Gold Tracer!" the Doll added.

"Roger!" the Chosen Undead and Rhea acknowledged the command.

"Ciaran, can you use the Silver Tracer all by yourself?" the Hunter asked.

"You bet I can..." Ciaran growled. "Hang in there, Arty..."

Soulsborneon broke free from Manushandradorah's grip, then furiously started slashing at the Manus head with the Soul Tracer Blades. The Manus head caught the Silver Tracer in its teeth, but Ciaran managed to twist it enough so that it would slash the enemy's mouth. She activated the Silver Tracer's acid spray, aiming it directly at the Manus head's throat. As the acid began to melt the robot demon's face, Soulsborneon's left arm hacked at the neck with the Gold Tracer.

"SOOOOOOOOOOOOUUL..." the Chosen Undead and Rhea yelled together, "FUUUUUUUUURY CUTTEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!!!"

Soulsborneon repeatedly slashed at the enemy with the Gold Tracer's buff attack, moving in a rapid, circular motion. The left arm moved so fast the Gold Tracer itself seemed to transform into a whirling mass of orange light. Eventually, the enemy could no longer resist the flurry of attacks. With that, the Manus head was completely decapitated and crashed to the ground in a heap of smoke.

"Good show! Jolly good show!" Solaire cheered. "One head down, two more to go!"

"Heh, not bad, you two!" Ciaran congratulated the left arm pilots.

"Good job... Ugh..." Artorias said weakly as he clutched his injured arm. "But we cannot celebrate just yet..."

"Th-that's right..." Rhea agreed. "Like Solaire said, there are still two more heads to take care of! Chosen Undead-kun! I'm ready!"

"Then let's go ahead and take care of those two remaining heads!" the Chosen Undead said, slamming his fist into his palm.

"That's the spirit, you two!" Solaire said.

"OK, time for an all-out attack!" the Hunter declared. "Soulsborneon! Soul Tracer Whirlwind Kick!!!"

"ROGER THAT!" the leg pilots said.

At the Hunter's command, the Bearer of the Curse and the Emerald Herald used Soulsborneon's right leg to perform a rapid spin kick, while the Slayer of Demons and the Maiden in Black held the left leg firmly in place for support. At the same time, Ciaran, Rhea, and the Chosen Undead continued to hack and slash at Manushandradorah with the Soul Tracer Blades. Manushandradorah roared in defiance. It had underestimated the enemy and lost the Manus head for its hubris... Now it was REALLY angry.

With a blood-curdling roar, the robot demon lunged at Soulsborneon, tackling it. Once again, it swung its heavy tail, but this time it deliberately aimed for the hyper thrusters, trying to destroy them and make Soulsborneon fall out of the sky.

"Oh no you don't!" the Bearer of the Curse said as he made Soulsborneon kick at the robot demon.

"Need some help, buddy?" the Slayer of Demons said as the left leg started kicking Manushandradorah as well.

Soulsborneon managed to break free from the robot demon and flew a good distance away, preventing it from causing any further damage to the hyper thrusters.

"Careful!" Solaire warned, "We can't afford to take any more damage!"

"Bearer of the Curse! Slayer of Demons!" the Hunter said, "Soul Corkscrew Kick!!!"

"Roger! Let's go!" the leg pilots said in unison.

Soulsborneon spun around in the air and launched a kick at Manushandradorah, both legs turning into rapidly spinning drills. As the drills lodged squarely into the robot demon's chest, the pilots activated the leg thrusters, causing the drills to grow in size and spin even faster. Manushandradorah grabbed Soulsborneon's legs, trying to pull the drills out of its chest before they could penetrate any further.

"This thing is trying to pull us out!" the Bearer of the Curse said.

"Oh yeah? Well, too bad!" the Slayer of Demons said defiantly, "Sorry, you ugly bitch! The Slayer of Demons doesn't pull out unless he wants to!!! Right, honey?"

"N-now is not the right time to be announcing that!" the Maiden in Black yelled.

"A-anyway!" the Bearer of the Curse said, pulling a lever, "Activating auxiliary leg drills!"

"Auxiliary leg drills activated!" the Slayer did the same.

Several smaller drills instantly popped out from the sides of the mecha's legs, piercing Manushandradorah's arms as the two main leg drills continued to bore holes in its chest. Its armor was tough, but the Bearer of the Curse and the Slayer of Demons were determined to get to the enemy's core and pierce its heart, Still, the robot demon was persistent and resisted the enemy's attack as much as it could, even if it meant sacrificing its arms.

"Argh, this thing doesn't know when to quit!" Shanalotte said.

"Then we shall not quit, either!" the Maiden in Black said.

The smaller drills had already crushed Manushandradorah's hands, but still the robot demon would not yield. It used its Nashandra head to emit a powerful pulse of dark energy, knocking Soulsborneon back. Manushandradorah then managed to use that opening to remove the mecha's leg drills from its chest, then flew a distance away.

"DAMMIT!" the Slayer of Demons slammed his fists onto the cockpit panel.

"We won't be able to get close as long as that Nashandra head is still there!" Shanalotte said.

"Time to think of a different strategy!" Solaire told the pilots. "Drilling into its chest isn't working!"

"I have an idea!" the Hunter said, "A stupid one, but... HERE GOES NOTHING!"

The Hunter then made Soulsborneon lunge forward, giving Manushandradorah a strong headbutt. The robot demon was staggered, and the Hunter used that opportunity to make the mecha use the blades on its head to pierce the neck that connected the Nashandra head to the enemy's body.

"Aaaaarrgghh, just a little more!" the Hunter grunted.

"We can do this, Good Hunter!" the Doll pushed on. "Harder! Harder! Keep thrusting!"

"D-don't say it like that, Evetta! I can't concentrate!"

"S-sorry!"

Finally, Soulsborneon managed to cut off the Nashandra head as well. Now that two of its three heads were gone, Manushandradorah was significantly weakened. The gang now only had to worry about the remaining head and had to focus all their efforts into destroying the robot demon's heart. If only they could pierce through its thick chest armor... By then, Manushandradorah wasn't just angry; it was FURIOUS. It resolved to utterly annihilate the mecha, and destroy it and its pilots with utmost brutality. Letting out another blood-curdling roar, it charged at its foe like a berserker. Soulsborneon readied its Soul Tracer Blades once more, meeting the robot demon's attack.

"Rhea! Let's do the Soul Fury Cutter!" the Chosen Undead said, placing his hand on the lever that would initiate the combo attack.

"R-right!" Rhea said, doing the same.

"SOOOOOOOOOOOOOUL... FUUUUUUUUUUUURY... CUTTEEEEEEEEEEEEER!!!!!!"

Once again the Gold Tracer exploded into a flurry of orange lights as Soulsborneon's left arm pilots slashed at the enemy. But... Something was wrong. No matter how much they slashed, it looked like Manushandradorah wasn't taking any damage at all!

"W-what's going on?! Why aren't our attacks working?!" the Chosen Undead said.

"Damn it, it must've fortified its armor somehow!" Ciaran deducted. "I'll just have to weaken it with the Silver Tracer again—!"

"No, Ciaran!" Artorias said, "Thou cannot keep piloting the right arm all by thyself! The neural strain is too much!"

"I can handle this, Artor— Gah!" Ciaran suddenly clutched her head in pain as blood dripped from her left nostril. "Goddammit... Not now..."

"Ciaran, listen to Artorias!" Solaire said. "You're in no condition to pilot any longer!"

"D-don't worry, w-we'll handle this—" Rhea tried to say, but was cut off as the robot demon suddenly slammed its heavy tail against Soulsborneon's left arm and wrapped itself tightly around it, trying to rip it off!

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!" Rhea screamed, the neural link making her feel the pain of the attack.

"RHEA, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" the Chosen Undead yelled as he disconnected himself from the cockpit to help Rhea. As he released her, the neural strain transferred to him and the Chosen Undead felt twice the pain Rhea felt earlier. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRGGHHH!!!"

"NOOOOOO!!!" Solaire shouted, then turned his attention to the robot demon, his face burning with anger. "You... HOW DARE YOU!!!" He slammed his fists onto the control panel, then grabbed the two levers on the sides.

**"SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUL...**

**SUUUUUUUUUUUUUNLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGHHT...**

**CAAAAAAAAAANNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!"**

A powerful beam of yellow light burst from Soulsborneon's chest. Not only did it knock off Manushandradorah, it also tore off its tail, and most of its armor! The robot demon's chest— and more importantly, its heart— was now completely exposed and vulnerable to an attack!

"NICE ONE, SOLAIRE!!!" the Slayer of Demons said.

"THAT WAS AWESOME, SUNBRO!!!" the Bearer of the Curse said.

"Oh... Oh my..." Solaire couldn't believe what he had just done. "I... I can't believe it... I... I JUST BECAME GROSSLY INCANDESCENT!!!"

"G-great job, buddy..." the Chosen Undead said weakly as Rhea helped him out of the cockpit.

Manushandradorah was beyond furious now. It roared defiantly one more time, determined not to lose to Soulsborneon. Both robots were severely damaged and had a limited means to fight now. All they had left were a few functional body parts and their willpower. This was it... The final battle!

"All right, guys..." the Hunter said, "Let's finish this!"


	6. ROW, ROW, FIGHT DA POWAH!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Hunter and his friends face off against Manushandradorah, the robot demon of the Abyss. As they take their showdown to the vast blackness of space, just how exactly will the final battle unfold?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the penultimate chapter and is best enjoyed while listening to the Gurren Lagann soundtrack. :D

"All right, you bastard! This ends now!"

The Hunter clenched his teeth and gripped the levers on his control panel tightly as a single drop of sweat ran down his face. The neural strain was starting to take a toll on his body. His legs were beginning to shake as he stood in the cockpit inside the head of Soulsborneon, the giant mecha. The Doll was by his side, looking equally anxious as the two pilots stared down their enemy— Manushandradorah, the robot demon from the Abyss!

The Hunter and the Doll, initially just the pilots for the head, had taken control over their mecha's arms as well after the battle had left Artorias, Ciaran, the Chosen Undead and Rhea injured and unable to pilot. The Bearer of the Curse, Shanalotte, the Slayer of Demons and the Maiden in Black were all on edge. Solaire remained in the torso's central control room, ready to activate the cannon again should the situation call for it. Behind him were the injured pilots, being healed by Rhea. It seemed time was frozen as the two giant robots hovered in the skies above the inn and simply stared at each other, anticipating the foe's next move.

"Good Hunter, the enemy isn't moving..." the Doll said.

"It's waiting for us to attack first," the Hunter replied. "Manushandradorah may be severely damaged, but that doesn't mean it's no longer a threat! We have to plan this out carefully."

"You just give the signal," the Slayer of Demons said, "And we'll be more than happy to drill holes into this sonuvabitch!"

"We stand at the ready, Hunter!" Solaire added.

The silence was finally broken when Manushandradorah made the first move. Only, it didn't charge at Soulsborneon and attack it. Instead, it unfolded what was left of its robot dragon wings and shot up even higher into the sky. Soulsborneon followed suit, chasing the robot demon higher and higher until the two broke through the atmosphere and found themselves in the darkness of space. There, Manushandradorah floated around the mecha, as if to mock it and its pilots. The Hunter kept a close eye on the enemy. They were in unfamiliar territory now, and couldn't afford to let their guard down for even a second.

Without warning, Manushandradorah lunged at Soulsborneon and bit into its chest with its remaining head! Solaire immediately retaliated by blasting the enemy with the Soul Sunlight Cannon again. But Manushandradorah was persistent and kept clamping on to the mecha, resisting the cannon until it stopped firing.

"Impossible!" Solaire gasped. "H-How... How was it able to resist the cannon?!"

"I knew it..." Ciaran spoke up, "It fortifies its armor whenever it takes damage! The more we attack it, the more resistance it builds... Now that it's been stripped to just its skeleton, it'll be even harder to deal a blow than when it was still at full power!"

"It's even more overpowered than GiantDad!" Artorias added.

"W-WHAT?!" the Slayer of Demons said, "B-But, that's UNFAIR! I've never heard of a robot that gets progressively stronger the more damage it takes! THIS IS BULL!"

"But this isn't just a normal robot..." the Maiden in Black said.

"That's right," Shanalotte added, "This is a robot demon of the Abyss! And that means it can be an unfair, overpowered cheating asshole as much as it wants to be!"

"Hell, it might even pull off a Deux Ex Machina move any moment now—" the Bearer of the Curse tried to say, but was cut off by Manushandradorah indeed releasing another Abyss Area of Effect attack that the gang had never seen before. The blast sent Soulsborneon flying backwards, almost causing them to crash on the moon!

"DAMMIT! Should've kept my mouth shut!" the Bearer of the Curse said.

Soulsborneon circled around Manushandradorah, its Soul Tracer Blades ready. As soon as it found an opening, the mecha charged at the robot demon, frantically slashing at it with its blades, then immediately flying away as soon as it used its Abyss AoE attack. Even if Soulsborneon was able to land a hit, the robot demon would brush it off as if it were nothing.

The leg pilots tried using the Soul Corkscrew Kick again, aiming at the robot demon's abdomen this time. The enemy's armor was relatively weaker there, but still the drills were only able to make a few scratches. Manushandradorah positioned itself to fire its Abyss AoE attack one more time, and Soulsborneon barely got away. As the mecha tried to fly away from the blast, one of the hyper thrusters malfunctioned and delayed the escape. Because of this, Soulsborneon's right leg was caught in the Abyss blast!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGHH!!!" Shanalotte screamed as she took the brunt of the attack.

"SHANALOTTE, NOOOOO!!!" the Bearer of the Curse yelled. Before he could do anything to help the Emerald Herald, another Abyss blast hit them from behind. The Bearer doubled over in pain as the neural link made his own legs burn and bleed. "HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGHH!!!"

"SHIT!" the Slayer of Demons panicked. "WE GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!!!"

"Firing Drill Torpedoes!" the Maiden in Black said.

The left leg pilots then released all of their drills and launched it at the enemy as the mecha flew farther away from it. They crash-landed on a nearby planet and hid inside a crater, where they were safe from Manushandradorah. For now...

...

"These things just keep coming!" Gehrman panted as he fell to his knees and held on to his Burial Blade. "I'm just gonna... take a break fer a second..."

The ground team had retreated to the now abandoned bingo hall after another wave of robot demons came charging at them. They shut the door and barricaded it a la zombie apocalypse movie for good measure, too. After fighting non-stop for hours, the group was tired and considerably weakened. They opted to rest for a bit, but Eileen, ever the stubborn old Crow Hunter, wanted to head straight back into the fray and continue fighting.

"Oh, get off your fat ass, Gehrman!" Eileen shouted. "We promised to defend this inn, and we are gonna do it!"

"Are you kidding me?!" Gehrman snapped. "There's too many of 'em!"

"The geezer has a point!" Shalquoir said, "I may be immortal, but that doesn't mean I can't get exhausted! And look at poor Sif! The puppy can barely hold his sword in his mouth anymore!"

Sif whimpered in a corner of the room, agreeing with the cat.

"We need reinforcements," Garl panted. "We can't take on all of them. Not like this."

"But, we're safe here for the time being, right?" Astraea said, "After all, we've barricaded the door—"

BANG! BANG! BANG!

As soon as Astraea spoke, a wave of robot demons kicked the door open.

"Bollocks," was all the maiden could say.

"You just HAD to say that, didn't you?" Eileen sighed, then withdrew her blades. "Well, you princesses can stay and sit here all you want! I've got some hunting to do!"

The old crow then rushed blindly into the wave of robot demons, swinging her blades around and slashing at the enemies. But the robot demons came at her from all directions, and it wasn't long before Eileen started to feel overwhelmed. Even worse, she was starting to feel out of breath. The elderly hunter tried to resist the enemies who were piling up on top of her, trying to suffocate her. But she was overpowered by them; there were just too many! The rest of the ground team rushed to her aid, but it looked like this was it for Eileen the Crow...

"GRUWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRGGHH!!!"

A large fist burst through the wall and crushed the demon robots flat. It was Poochie, the Cathedral Giant! And riding on his shoulders was Djura!

"Sorry I'm late, folks!" he said sheepishly. "Evacuations took a little longer than expected, since Frampt and Kaathe had no legs and couldn't run..."

"You idiot..." Eileen coughed. "No time for chitchat! CRUSH THOSE DAMN ROBOTS!!!"

"With pleasure..." Djura grinned. "LET'S GO, POOCHIE!!!"

Now that they had a Cathedral Giant fighting alongside them, the tides had turned in the ground team's favor. They resumed fending off the enemies, their vigor restored! Poochie completed obliterated all the robot demons that even dared to challenge him, and he also apparently had a special trick up his sleeve...

"POOCHIE! ARMORED TITAN MODE!!!"

At Djura's command, the Cathedral Giant somehow managed to transform its skin into hard iron plates. As he charged at the enemies like his namesake from Attack on Titan, Poochie was now virtually indestructible!

"Now THAT'S what I call 'reinforcements'!" Garl laughed as he crushed enemies with his hammer.

"Not bad," Shalquoir said, "He could give the Iron Man Hulkbuster suit a run for his money!"

"BEST. VACATION. EVEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!!!" Gehrman hollered at the top of his lungs as he plowed through the robot demons in a brand spanking new speedboat.

"HEY, THAT'S MINE!!!" Eileen yelled. "GEHRMAN, GET BACK HERE WITH MY SPEEDBOAT!!!"

...

"Bearer of the Curse! Emerald Herald!" the Hunter called to the right leg pilots, "A-Are you two OK?!"

"I'm afraid not, Hunter!" Solaire replied in their place, "Both the Bearer of the Curse and Shanalotte were injured by the Abyss blast and can no longer pilot!"

"What about the Slayer of Demons and the Maiden in Black?" the Doll asked.

"Negative," the Slayer of Demons replied, "The left leg's been damaged by that crash... Ugh! And we took quite a hit as well...!"

"And we have lost all our drills..." the Maiden in Black said weakly as she clutched her shoulder.

"All the other pilots have been incapacitated..." Solaire informed the Hunter and the Doll. "Full control of Soulsborneon has now been transferred to you two!"

"GAH! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" the Hunter shouted in frustration. "WHY COULDN'T WE LAND A HIT?!"

"You know how Souls bosses always get an unfair new attack and become more aggressive whenever they're below 1/4 health?" the Chosen Undead observed, "Well, looks like that's what's happening right now!"

"T-that means..." Rhea gasped, "It's much more likely to kill us now!"

"ARGH, GODDAMMIT!!!" the Hunter yelled angrily.

The Hunter slammed his fists against the cockpit panel and growled. He stood there with his head hung low, unsure of what else to do. As his willpower began to fade, it seemed the same thing was happening to Soulsborneon. The lights flickered on and off until eventually the mecha lost power. It sat there, at the bottom of the crater, as lifeless as it had been when the gang first encountered it.

Everyone was silent. Was this it...? Had they... lost? Were they all going to die here, alone, in the cold darkness of space?

"I... I'm sorry..." the Hunter muttered. "I just... I just wanted to enjoy a vacation with you guys... But now, we're all going to die here... Because of me—"

SLAP!

Suddenly, the Hunter felt a sharp, piercing pain as a palm grazed across his face. He was stunned to see the Doll standing in front of him, looking down on him angrily. In fact, everybody was stunned. Nobody had expected the Doll to do such a thing. She raised her hand again, and the Hunter wondered if another bitch-slap was coming his way. Instead, the Doll placed her hand on the Hunter's cheek, tenderly caressing it.

"E-Evetta...?" was all the Hunter could say.

"So is that it?" the Doll asked sadly, "Are you just going to give up, Good Hunter?"

"What ELSE can I do?!" the Hunter snapped. "HOW can I still possibly fight against that thing?!"

"So you are giving up, then?" the Doll asked again. "The man I know and love wouldn't just give up like this!"

"T-this is different, Evetta..." the Hunter tried to reason, but was cut off by another question.

"Are you just going to leave us to die?"

"W-what...?!"

"Are you seriously just going to let your friends die here," the Doll said one more time, "And let Manushandradorah destroy everything?!"

"N-no!" the Hunter said. "I... I won't... I'm not gonna let that happen...! I'M NOT GONNA LET THAT HAPPEN!!!"

"WE'RE not going to let that happen..." the Doll corrected him. She removed her hand from his cheek and held both of his hands, gripping them tightly.

"Evetta..." the Hunter looked at the Doll, who smiled at him. She leaned in close and kissed him on the lips.

"You aren't doing this alone, Good Hunter," she said. "I am here... and I will fight beside you!"

"We all will!" Solaire added. "We're ALL in this together! We shall destroy Manushandradorah... IN JOLLY COOPERATION!!!"

"We may no longer be physically able to fight..." Artorias said, "But know that we shall give thee 100% of our support, Hunter!"

"You guys..." the Hunter said as tears started prickling his eyes.

"Hey! No time to get all sappy!" Ciaran said, "Right now, you have some robot demon butt to kick!"

"You can do it, Hunter!" the Chosen Undead and Rhea said together, "We believe in you!"

"So do we!" the Bearer of the Curse and Shanalotte said as well.

"Us, too!" the Slayer of Demons and the Maiden in Black joined in.

"Thanks, all of you..." the Hunter finally smiled as he snapped out of his rut. He positioned himself in the cockpit once more, gripping the levers on the control panel as tight as he could. His legs were no longer shaking. He could no longer feel the neural strain despite the fact that he was now in full control of the mecha. The fire of hot-bloodedness, determination and willpower burned in his eyes once more!

"SOULSBORNEON... SPIN ON!!!"

...

The giant mecha flew away from the planet it had been hiding in and found the robot demon waiting for it in open space. Soulsborneon promptly got into a fighting pose and Manushandradorah did the same. The two robots wasted no time staring each other down this time around. The robot demon hurled itself at Soulsborneon, repeatedly kicking its foe with its powerful legs. The mecha resisted, and was able to grab one of the legs and throw Manushandradorah. The robot demon appeared to be stunned at how differently its foe fought... Indeed, the look in Soulsborneon's eyes said it all.

Playtime was over. This fight was serious now.

This was the final showdown.

"Soul Saw Cleaver!" the Hunter said as a large, energy laser version of his signature weapon formed in the mecha's right hand.

"Activating Blood Echoes!" the Doll added, giving the Soul Saw Cleaver a significant boost in power. "Good Hunter, let's do this!"

"Right! Let's go!" the Hunter nodded.

Soulsborneon rushed at the enemy with the Soul Saw Cleaver in hand, swinging the weapon around with ease. Whenever they would land a hit on Manushandradorah, the pilots noticed that the enemy was taking damage again! Finally! The Hunter and the Doll had achieved maximum synchronization with the giant mecha. Soulsborneon was now significantly faster, and it could now pull off moves it had difficulty performing before, such as parrying, dodging and rolling. Manushandradorah noticed this, but was unfazed. The robot demon tried to keep up with its enemy as best as it could, looking for any opening wherein it could land a deadly blow. Soulsborneon would not give it that opportunity!

Whenever Manushandradorah would try to grab the mecha, Soulsborneon managed to dodge and roll away. Solaire skillfully manipulated the controls on the hyper thrusters, allowing the mecha to perform this maneuver even in space! Once Soulsborneon was a good distance away, the Hunter gave Solaire the signal to put the hyper thrusters on full blast again. The mecha crashed into the robot demon at full speed, then headbutted it. Staggered, Manushandradorah had no time to react as Soulsborneon used its Soul Saw Cleaver attack again.

"SOUL SAW CLEAVER COMBO SLASH!!!" the Hunter and the Doll yelled as they unleashed a series of slashes upon the enemy. More chunks of the robot demon's armor fell from its body, and now the mecha had a clear shot of its heart!

Manushandradorah, realizing that it was now completely exposed, changed its plan of attack. It bit into Soulsborneon's arm and tried to rip it off again, while its legs kicked furiously at the mecha's torso.

"It's trying to destroy the central control room!" the Chosen Undead said.

"I WILL NOT LET IT SUCCEED!" Solaire said as he activated the cannon once more.

"SOOOOOUUUUUUL SUUUUNLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT CAAAAAAANNOOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!!"

Another burst of light, burning much brighter and much more grossly incandescent than the previous ones, emerged from Soulsborneon's chest. Manushandradorah tried to evade the attack, but Soulsborneon used its free arm to grab the robot demon by the neck, and pushed its head directly into the cannon fire!

"Anybody want some robot demon barbecue?" Ciaran couldn't help but snark.

After the cannon had stopped firing, the pilots could see that Manushandradorah was still alive, but now its head had been burnt to a crisp and its eyes were completely charred, rendering the enemy blind. Still, the robot demon persisted in attacking them even if it could no longer see, relying on its hearing. It also spammed it Abyss AoE attack like there was no tomorrow!

"It's getting desperate!" Artorias observed. "Manushandradorah is attacking us with all it's got!"

"Then we shall do the same!" the Doll said.

Soulsborneon circled around the blind robot demon and slashed at its back and neck. The enemy tried to turn around and bite the mecha, but it was weakened considerably by the Soul Sunlight Cannon and Soulsborneon was much too fast! In a final act of desperation, Manushandradorah prepared to use its Abyss Blast one more time...

"Abyss AoE attack on the way!" the Slayer of Demons warned.

"Wait, something's not right!" Solaire noticed. "W-Why isn't it moving away from its own attack?!"

"It... It's self-destructing!!!" the Bearer of the Curse yelled.

"That dirty cheating sonuvabitch!" Shanalotte spat.

"We have to get out of here before we're caught in that blast!" Rhea panicked.

"NO!" the Hunter suddenly said, "We are NOT running away!"

"B-But we'll be destroyed by that Abyss Blast!" the Maiden in Black said.

"All of you..." the Hunter said as he made Soulsborneon face the enemy, "You said you believed in me, right? Well... I need you to believe in me right now! Trust me! I know what I'm doing! I... No, we... WE CAN DO THIS!!! WE CAN WIN!!!"

"A-all right, Hunter!" Solaire said, moving away from the control panel. "I leave it all to you!"

With this, Soulsborneon crashed into Manushandradorah once more, punching and kicking the robot demon even as it was activating its Abyss AoE attack. The robot demon used whatever body parts it had left to fight back, until finally, it unleashed its last Abyss Blast!

"HAHAHAHAHAHA... YOU ARE... TOO LATE..." Manushandradorah spoke for the first, and possibly last, time.

...

Both of the giant robots were engulfed in the blast of dark energy... But something strange was happening. Soulsborneon was still intact! Moreover, it was surrounded by a glowing white smoke and it seemed to be generating its own AoE attack! What was this strange power?! Nobody could resist the Abyss Blast!

_Do the impossible, see the invisible..._

_ROW, ROW, FIGHT DA POWAH!_

"WHAT... ARE... YOU...?!" Manushandradorah growled in disbelief.

_Touch the untouchable, break the unbreakable..._

_ROW, ROW, FIGHT DA POWAH!_

"WE ARE THE HEROES OF SOULSBORNE!!!" the Hunter declared as his eyes glowed pure white. "AND WE ARE THE ONES WHO WILL BRING YOU DOWN!!!"

"G-Good Hunter!" the Doll gasped, finally recognizing the source of this new power. The Hunter was channeling his latent power of the Great Ones and using it to control Soulsborneon! And it was spreading to her, as well! She had never felt such a strong surge of willpower and determination before!

"I-IMPOSSIBLE!!!" Manushandradorah roared in defiance.

"Manushandradorah! Time to pay for your crimes!" Solaire said as the Hunter's Great One power spread to him.

_ROW, ROW, FIGHT DA POWAH!_

"This is what you get for challenging us!" Artorias and Ciaran yelled as their eyes glowed as well.

_ROW, ROW, FIGHT DA POWAH!!_

"And for attacking the inn, and all those innocent people!" the Chosen Undead and Rhea joined in as they too harnessed the Hunter's Great One power.

_ROW, ROW, FIGHT DA POWAH!!!_

"AND FOR RUINING OUR VACATION!!!" the Bearer of the Curse, Shanalotte, the Slayer of Demons and the Maiden in Black said all together.

_ROW, ROW, FIGHT DA POWAH!!!!_

The Hunter clenched his teeth and initated their final attack.

**"WHO...**

**THE HELL...**

**DO YOU THINK...**

**WE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE?!"**

At this, Soulsborneon unleashed its Great One Blast and cancelled out the enemy's own Abyss Blast! As Manushandradorah was consumed by its own attack, Soulsborneon saw the opportunity to end the robot demon once and for all. The mecha raised its Soul Saw Cleaver— now even more powerful thanks to the Hunter's Great One power— and dealt the final blow...

**_GIGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA......_ **

**_SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUL......_ **

**_BREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKK!!!!!!!!"_ **

The robot demon let out one last blood-curdling roar as its body disintegrated in the pure, white light. Manushandradorah... was no more.

PREY SLAUGHTERED

...

The giant mecha slowly fell back to Earth, landing in a lake not far from the inn. The pilots managed to escape in an emergency flotation device. But Soulsborneon, its duty now fulfilled, sank to the bottom of the lake.

"Farewell, noble warrior..." Solaire said tearfully as the the lights of the mecha's eyes dimmed and it sank deeper and deeper into the water.

"It was a pleasure to serve with thee..." Artorias said as he gave a parting salute.

"Good Hunter..." the Doll said worriedly as she clutched the Hunter close to her.

"Oh no! Is he...?!" Rhea gasped.

"N-no..." the Doll let out a sigh of relief. "He's just passed out from exhaustion... You've done well, my love." She kissed him on the forehead and allowed him to rest.

"S-so... We did it, right?" the Chosen Undead said, "We defeated Manushandradorah?"

"I reckon so..." the Bearer of the Curse said, then pointed at the sky. "There's your proof right there, too!"

And right there, in the sky, was a marvelous display of lights unlike anything the gang had ever seen before. They were not like ordinary fireworks; not like disco lights at the local nightclub; not like lasers at a party or a rock concert; not even like the northern lights in Skyrim. These lights were more vivid, more captivating than anything else on the planet. It was as if entire galaxies were being born right in front of their eyes! This was the Universe thanking the brave warriors... for destroying the robot demon of the Abyss!

"Oh my!" Solaire said giddily as he watched the lights, "This would go perfect with Van Halen's 'Dreams'! If only I had my boombox..."

"It's... beautiful..." Rhea said as she gazed at the sky. She pressed herself against the Chosen Undead's body, and he tightly wrapped an arm around her in return.

"Yeah, it is... And so are you."

Upon hearing those words, Rhea happily glomped the Chosen Undead and the two finally shared their well-deserved, and long overdue big damn kiss.

"OH MY GOD, FINALLY!!!" the Slayer of Demons yelled triumphantly as he jumped up and down. He was so overjoyed the Maiden in Black had to stop him from jumping so much lest the flotation device capsize and they all fall into the freezing lake.

"Well it's about damn time!" the Bearer of the Curse remarked.

Solaire, on the other hand, fell to his knees and cried tears of joy like a proud father. His mission was accomplished... It was a wonderful, jolly success!

"I've done it... I have!" Solaire said as he wept. "Oh, praise the sun!"

A few seconds later, the Hunter opened his eyes and was met with the sight of the Doll staring lovingly at him; his friends all there, smiling and congratulating him; and the marvelous lights in the sky. Soon, all of the couples were watching the spectacular lights show. And once those lights had stopped, they were treated to a view of the sun rising in the east horizon. This was definitely a vacation they would all remember.

"Well, this is all nice and dandy," Ciaran said, "But... We're all floating in the middle of a lake here. How the heck are we supposed to get back to the inn—"

"OI!!! WHIPPERSNAPPERS!!!" the distinct voice of Gehrman called out from an approaching speedboat. With him were the other two elderly hunters, Eileen and Djura.

"Huh, whaddya know," Ciaran said, completely deadpan.

"Oh! Gehrman, you won the speedboat at the bingo game?" the Doll asked as the boat stopped in front of them.

"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeell, we didn't win it, per se..." Gehrman said sheepishly, "But it IS in our possession."

"All right, you lot," Eileen said, "Judging by that lights show, I'm guessing you won. Now, hop in and let's get back to the inn."

The gang promptly got into the speedboat and headed back towards the inn as the sun rose higher into the sky. After a night of fighting robot demons and subsequently saving the world, they were all looking forward to having a nice, hearty breakfast.


	7. Breakfast of Champions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the battle, the vacationers have a hearty, well-deserved breakfast and enjoy their last day at the inn.

"Oh man, I am staaaaaaaarving! Saving the world sure gives you an appetite, huh?"

"Sorry for making you wait! Your breakfast is here!"

It was early morning. The gang was back at the inn's dining hall and was sitting at their long table again. The sun shone brightly and cast a warm, welcome glow in the room. Solaire, of course, performed his daily routine of praising the sun before breakfast. Amagi-san herself served the food, eternally grateful for what the group of friends had done for her inn, and for that matter, the world. Now, they could enjoy a nice breakfast of soup, rice, fish, eggs and vegetables. The vacationers happily dug in.

"ITADAKIMASU!!!"

"So, how did thou hold up against the smaller robot demons?" Artorias asked the ground team as he cuddled Sif. "I hope my puppy here fought well."

"He was decent," Shalquoir said dryly as she filled her mouth with sushi. "My body count was five more than his, though."

"Really, props goes to Djura and his Cathedral Giant," Garl Vinland said, "We couldn't have done it without them."

"I agree," Eileen said as she sipped her tea, "For once you didn't completely screw up."

"Aww, shucks..." Djura blushed as he scratched the back of his head. JoorJoor emerged from under his shirt and licked his nose.

"So Garl..." the Slayer of Demons said to his fellow knight, "Heard you put up quite a fight last night. Just wanted to say... Congrats, man."

"Right back at you, Slayer," Garl acknowledged the compliment. "I heard you were a pretty good pilot. Guess all those hours playing _Armored Core_ served you well."

"Hehe, I guess so, too," the Slayer smiled.

"You did well... _bro_ ," Garl said, extending a fist for the Slayer to bump.

"Thanks, bro," the Slayer said as he and Garl bumped fists.

Meanwhile, Maiden Astraea and the Maiden in Black had huge grins on their faces. They were utterly relieved that the two knights were finally, FINALLY getting along.

"You want some more tamagoyaki, sweetie pie?" Rhea said to the Chosen Undead, dreamily gazing into his blue eyes as she held a piece of egg in her chopsticks.

"Sure, anything from you, honey buns," the Chosen Undead replied sweetly as he bit the piece of egg.

As the Chosen Undead and Rhea were now openly acting all lovey-dovey and mushy with each other, one could swear giant pink hearts were seriously floating in the air around them. They were THAT mushy. Solaire, who was sitting beside the new couple, was wondering if perhaps his plan worked a little TOO well... The Bearer of the Curse simply patted him on the back and encouraged him to keep eating.

Sitting at the far end of the table was the Hunter. Beside him was the Doll, who was feeding him. He still had injuries from the battle and was still a bit weak, but other than that the Hunter was extremely happy and proud of what he and his friends had achieved.

"This was one hell of a weekend, huh, Evetta?" the Hunter said to the Doll.

"It's definitely one I will always remember, Good Hunter," the Doll smiled.

"Ahem!" Artorias stood up, holding a glass of Sunny D orange juice in his hand. "I'd like to propose a toast to our dear friend, Hunter G. Jaeger! He invited us all along on this trip, and more importantly, HE defeated Manushandradorah, the robot demon of the Abyss! To our brave leader! CHEERS!"

"CHEERS!" everybody clinked their glasses of orange juice together.

"Aww, thanks, you guys," the Hunter said, raising his glass. "But really, I couldn't have done it without your help. So... Here's to all of you! CHEERS!"

"CHEERS!" the gang said again.

After breakfast, the vacationers enjoyed what was left of their weekend by relaxing in the hotsprings again. This time, they ALL played Cards Against Humanity, and they had an absolute BLAST! Meanwhile, the three elderly hunters Gehrman, Eileen and Djura resumed their bingo game. And lo and behold, Eileen actually won the speedboat for real this time! The three promised to share it amongst each other, though, so there were no hard feelings. Well, Ingward, Old King Allant, and the primordial serpents Frampt and Kaathe were still upset, but Djura suggested a peace treaty and brought them all on a spin at the lake. In the end, all the senior citizens were satisfied.

Once the sun had begun to set, it was time for the Hunter and company to return home. As he and his friends were getting back into their mini-bus and Gehrman and the oldtimers were getting into their speedboat (which was strapped to Poochie the Cathedral Giant's back), Amagi-san went to see them off. She thanked the group one last time with a long bow.

"Thank you..." Amagi-san said, "Thank you all so much! I am very sorry for deceiving you with the vouchers..."

"H-hey, it's OK!" the Hunter said, "We still had a ton of fun. And we got to pilot a giant robot, too! So... Thank you, Amagi-san! Thanks for looking after us this weekend!" He gave a long bow as well.

Once everyone had said their farewells, both the mini-bus and the Cathedral Giant set off into the sunset. It was a great weekend— one they would all remember for the rest of their lives, in fact— but everybody couldn't wait to get back home.

...

Six months passed and life had returned to normal for the Hunter and the Doll. The Hunter got home from work earlier one day and found that the Doll was not yet back at the apartment. She had left a note on the table saying that she was doing groceries. The Hunter took off his shoes and slumped onto the sofa, sighing softly. He looked out the window, and saw that it was snowing outside. He then turned his attention to the calendar on the wall.

"Huh, only a few more days until New Year's," he said.

A few second later, the apartment door opened and the Doll came inside. Behind her were Artorias and Ciaran, whom she had run across at the grocery store. Naturally, Artorias was made to carry all the groceries.

"Welcome back, honey," the Hunter greeted the Doll with a kiss. "And hi there, Arty. Ciaran. You guys got off work early, too?"

"That's right," Artorias nodded. "We went to the store to buy some treats for Sif and ran into the Doll there."

"New Year's Eve is just around the corner," Ciaran said, "So everybody's been coming home a lot earlier lately."

"Hmm, yeah..." the Hunter said, "Oh, by the way, do you guys already have plans for New Year's?"

Artorias and Ciaran could only grin at the Hunter. The Doll also had a huge smile on her face.

"Guess what, Good Hunter?" the Doll said.

"Huh? What?" the Hunter asked.

"I won another raffle!" the Doll replied excitedly.

"We won FIFTEEN vouchers this time!" Ciaran said. "Pack your bags, Hunter, cuz we're spending the New Year at a ski lodge in SKYRIM!!!"

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!"

THE END.


End file.
